Earth Day is also Jen's Birthday

If you are friends with Jen, you will probably be familiar with the phrase "Earth Day is my birthday!" Especially if you were on that trip to San Diego a couple years ago. I am surprised that no one punched her in the nose after the 32nd time. I guess you aren't allowed to punch the birthday girl. Also, I am just teasing Jen, so hopefully no one gets mad. The blog for infuriating people is the other one.

Melissa organized the mini-celebration for Jen, and decided that it would include burgers and Summer Ale, which was a wise decision. A less wise decision was my decision to have 2 burgers, because they looked like this:

Holy crap! That beast contains a giant burger, pepperjack or Monterey cheddar (each burger got one of them), a tomato slice, bacon and red onion. There was absolutely no reason that I needed to eat 2 of them other than to prove my manhood for reasons to be explained shortly. You can also see the pot of baked beans back there. They sucked. They were some kind of crummy canned crap, and even adding some bacon to them couldn't save the day. I will expect better results in the future!

The burgers themselves were good, although I think they increased the volume of my stomach by about 50%. I feel like a pregnant woman must feel, but without the kicking. Those burgers are have definitely claimed some of the valuable real estate formerly occupied by my liver and kidneys.

Now for the story about why I needed to prove my manhood.

I had my regular appointment with New England Dermatology, except that instead of going where I normally go, I had to go to the Longmeadow office. Not really a big deal as it's right near where I used to work and easily reached without much difficulty. I have also heard that there is a store called Home Goods (which I thought was supposed to be a section of a store) that has a lot of good stuff for someone whose roommates own all the kitchenware but are moving out and thus that someone will be without kitchenware. I decided that I would take a little trip there after my appointment and see what I could find.

Wow, do I not belong in that store alone.

While I was there, I counted a total of 3 males. One guy I am pretty sure was lost, because he just kept walking laps around the store and occasionally stopping at the rugs. The second guy was with his wife, and both of them were old. He'd obviously just given up on arguing. And the third guy was me, who was completely overwhelmed and then lost his cart. Don't worry though, I found it a few minutes later. Or I found the cart of someone who was buying similar items to the ones I wanted, so it's close enough. I even bought a picture, which is the first thing I've ever bought that is 100% decorative and serves no other purpose than to look nice. Don't worry; I will be pointing it out to every person that comes to my house for the first 2 months it is up. You will be very sick of it.

Once I left the store, I realized than I needed to make up for this HGTV bullshit that I am currently involved in by doing something manly. You know, like eating dead animals, drinking beer, looking at boobs, punching a hobo, yelling at the athletes on the television. . . man stuff! It was actually very lucky that Melissa was making burgers, there was beer in her fridge, and the Sox were playing. I guess the other stuff will have to wait until tomorrow.

Now come over to look at my new picture!

-Jon

A Brilliant Switch

After finding out that pretty much everyone I know thinks that Chili's has excellent food, and that there is now a Chili's just up the road basically, I figured I would peer pressure people into going to Chili's next time an opportunity presented itself. And after a long afternoon of enjoying some Coffeehouse Porter and #9 and watching the Olympics while listening to Nicky talk about Apolo Ohno and laughing at Odin relentlessly harassing Remy, this opportunity arrived.

Now, I have been to Chili's once before and thoroughly enjoyed their fajitas. However, I have been craving burgers lately, even though I just had one on Thursday. Thus, after about 10 minutes of looking at the menu and not really reading any of the foods, I decided to go with the Jalapeño Smokehouse Bacon Burger. However, I was not especially excited about the jalapeño-ranch sauce that was scheduled to come on said burger. The more I am exposed to it, the less I like ranch flavoring. I don't even eat those Doritos any more, and they used to be my favorite! Thus, I came up with a brilliant plan!

I asked the waitress to bring me the ancho-chile BBQ sauce from the Southern Smokehouse Bacon Burger instead. And, as Melissa will attest, that sauce was fantastic. It was delicious on the burger AND on the french fries. I am pretty pleased with the decision.

As for the burger itself, I have mixed reviews. Everything on the burger was really good, but they just did not manage to cook the burger appropriately. I have a very general expectation for a medium rare burger: it should be a little bit pink. This burger was not pink at all! Luckily, the bacon was about a quarter inch thick, and there were just enough jalapeños to make it a little spicy. I will give them another chance at some point in the future. But they better not overcook my burger again! I have very little patience for that nonsense.

-Jon

A Pre-Dinner Burger

After several days (or probably months) of mocking Melissa for not having seen The Big Lebowski (technically she saw part of it but made the unforgivable mistake of falling asleep during it), we finally scheduled a Lebowski-viewing and White Russian-drinking event at our house. Also, since some people can't order pizzas correctly, James took care of the ordering, meaning we actually got a buffalo chicken pizza from Palermo's as opposed to some weird chicken club pizza from Pinocchio's.

And I told you that story so I could tell you this one. Since the Lebowski showing wasn't occurring until around 8, I still decided that I could use a free dinner at Dad & Kelly's, which just happened to be cheeseburgers. Nice rare cheeseburgers. Sadly, there were no tomatoes, but that is not quite a deal breaker.

Of course the movie was again fantastic, just like the first 36 times* I've seen it. Also, I seem to go a little heavy on the Kahlua in my White Russians. We finished off the Kahlua bottle before the vodka even though there are supposed to be equal parts of each. Oops.

-Jon

*I have no idea how many times I've actually seen that movie. I would put the total well over 25 though.

Just Pretend This Went Up Sunday

Oops, I forgot. The second run of cookouts at Jen & Melissa's was on Sunday in preparation for the actual birthday party coming up. There were a lot of similarities between this cookout and the last one. Most of the same people, lots of Summer Ale, nice weather, etc. There was one major difference, which was that this time we didn't put any of the bottles in the pool after we finished. I did try to throw them all on the lawn though (with help from Bill, Joe and James), because that is just fun.

We had burgers again, even though Melissa tried to ruin them by not letting Nicky put bleu cheese inside them because she claimed that some people might not like bleu cheese. Now this in and of itself is pretty much unacceptable, but I think it would be possible to maybe put the cheese inside some of the burgers and not others. Apparently her one-third* sized woman brain could not come up with this on her own. Unfortunately, the burgers were already formed by the time I had arrived and I could not correct this grievous error.

The burgers were probably good, but it's been several days since I ate it and I can't remember for sure. It's also possible that I ate 2 of them, but who can say. I am fairly certain that there was not bacon, but even that remains a mystery. I guess from now on I should take care of these things in a more timely fashion.

-Jon

*This is from Anchorman before all you women-folk fly off the handle.

Here Comes a New Challenger!!

All Street Fighter II references aside, James has stepped up to the burger challenge (which has apparently started, although I am not sure when) and definitely ended up in the top 2. I think it may be between James' burgers and Nicky's stuffed bleu cheese burgers at this point. Although, Nicky says she's got something else planned for the future. I am excited.

I am not exactly sure what the name of the night was, but it was something along the lines of the Best Burger Challenge, or close enough anyways. I am not sure of all the ingredients in these burgers, but we confirmed quite a few: onions, rosemary, garlic powder, Sweet Baby Ray's and I want to say Tabasco (?). There was also bacon and pepper jack cheese, widely regarded as one of the premier cheeses for burgers. James also did some kind of crazy thing with a red onion where he put some butter and beer inside it and then grilled it whole. Next time we'll have to start that process sooner, because apparently onions take a lot longer to grill than burgers.

These were some big burgers, but that didn't stop Bill, Joe or me from having 2. Or stop Dave from somehow hijacking Nicole's burger. We also had a tomato and mozzarella salad that I whipped up while rocking out to the musical stylings of Dexys Midnight Runners (Come On Eileen, while a great song, is probably not a course of action Eileen would appreciate) and Dropkick Murphys (I would say Tessie is probably the best song written about being a fan of the Red Sox (and possibly the only one?)). That's right, you just experienced the nested parentheses. Only found here. Back on topic though, of course there were ample Summer Ales, because this whole thing happened at our house.

I think there may be more uncooked burgers in the fridge. If that is the case, I am pretty sure what dinner will be on Sunday.

-Jon

Independence Day (Plus 1)

So maybe our timing was a little off, but after all the family related foolishness of the actual 4th of July, there was a burger- and beer-filled party on the 5th of July. And after having a "real" meal for the 4th, since it's also Mom's birthday, it was nice to have burgers since that just feels more appropriate. Sort of like turkey on Thanksgiving.

After several hours in the pool listening to the Sox game, we had successfully finished the first case of Sam Adams and left the bottles all across Jen's yard. James, Bill and I also found a really fun game where you take the ice cubes out of the cooler and whip them at whoever is currently crossing the yard. Of course, this game is only fun for us, but that's not really relevant. It was then time for some grilled meat.

Even though Nicky was there, Melissa took the reins and made some burgers that were ready in a reasonable amount of time and left the kitchen looking clean. If you don't know, Nicky's cooking is delicious, but the aftermath sort of resembles a hurricane, if a hurricane could be centralized entirely in one kitchen and only attacked pots and pans. The topping du jour was the spicy Montreal seasoning along with pepper jack cheese. This further lends proof to my theory that burgers with a little zip are just better. She also grilled up some red onions, and there were gigantic tomatoes for us normal folk.

I definitely have to get some of that Montreal stuff. I bet it would even make those frozen burgers that come 40 to a pack taste pretty good. Tomorrow I am heading off to try a new burger place on Mia's recommendation. I am not sure what to expect, mostly because she is a vegetarian. Should be interesting.

-Jon

My Best Work Yet

Alright, now we're talking.  I think I'm finally getting the hand of this grilling thing.  Well, getting the hang of it again.  I guess taking the winter off really hurts your abilities.

Today there was no falling apart of burgers, nothing fell through the grating, and everything came out right.  The burger du jour was grass-fed local beef from lovely Shelburne Falls, courtesy of Kathryn.  I decided to get a little crazy and try to do something fancy, and it ended up working out pretty well.  I picked up a red onion at Randall's (since it is clearly the superior onion) and went with the Nicky S. plan of grilling a nice cross section of it.  Then I threw a little crushed red pepper on the meat along with a bit of Tuscan seasoning (which comes highly recommended by Nicole M.).  Finally, in a stroke of genius, I melted the cheese OVER the onion.  Seriously, from now on, all toppings will go under the cheese.  It's fantastic.

After all that preparation, the burgers were finally ready.  I will say this for the Tuscan stuff:  even if it doesn't make the burgers better (even though it does), it makes everything smell great when you open up the grill.  Maybe it's part potpourri?  The burgers came out nice and rare, and as of yet, there is no food poisoning.

Plus, I got to add to the Summer Ale Challenge (also courtesy of Kathryn).  Between beers and burgers, there isn't a whole lot that could ruin this night.

-Jon

Call Me Lance

Ok, that is a little bit on the fruity side, what with the ball thing.  And that guy from N*Sync.  Or the Backstreet Boys, whichever one had the Lance guy.  But I did ride a bicycle today for about 6 miles, so it's sort of appropriate, and definitely referring to Lance Armstrong.  Not that I am on any sort of health kick; it was strictly to get a burger.  And it was a fantastic decision.

We had burgers that were very similar to the stuffed bleu cheese burgers from last time.  Possibly the same burgers, although these ones were spicier.  Also, I am not sure if we had tomatoes with them last time.  But the bleu cheese inside was great again, and the bleu cheese on top (along with grilled onions, which may or may not have fallen on the ground).  Plus, spicy burgers are making a strong case for being superior than the non-spicy kind (for instance, the Blackjack Burger).  And you really can't go wrong with a couple Summer Ales.  But not too many, because it might be a crime to drink and ride a bicycle.  And I don't want any firsthand knowledge if it is.

-Jon

Back-to-back Burgers

Side note: I ate a salmon burger at some point in the past week, but that is definitely not going to count as a burger.  Salmon isn't even meat.  The burger was pretty good though, and, unlike its shellfish friends, didn't result in a night of vomit.

Apparently today was burger day, because I got different invitations to eat burgers.  And of course I accepted both.  The first one was at Melissa's, and the second was at Mom's.

While watching what ended up being a Celtics loss, Melissa, Nicky and I made up some enormous burgers with gorgonzola cheese inside the meat along with some minced red onion.  There was also some chipotle peppers and smoked paprika in there somewhere, and we had grilled onions on top.  That burger was fantastic.  I am starting to think that the Black & Blue Burger is highly underrated.  In addition, I was also able to continue the Sam Adams Summer Ale Challenge II, and that is always a good thing.

About 10 minutes after finishing the monstrous chipotle Black & Blue burger, I was on my way to eat yet another burger.  This one was a little less elaborate, and pretty much just consisted of a regular burger with American cheese and sauteed onions.  I would have to guess that at this point, my body contains about 5/8 of a pound of grilled ground beef.  And that is the sign of a successful day.

-Jon