Happy St. Patrick's Day (Road Race)

In my many years on this planet (or any planet really), I had never once been a part of the road race in Holyoke in any capacity. Well, I can now check off that drunken mess from my to-do list. If you are wondering, I did not run, unlike Maura and Jen, who are overachievers. Mostly because I'm lazy, but also because my foot is still screwed up. And it's a 10K, which is far too many K's for me. Sign me up for a 1K and we'll go from there.

They were selling food there, and since I was going to be drinking many beers throughout the course of the afternoon, I figured it might be a good idea to eat some of said food. One of the options was cheeseburgers, and, like some sort of lobotomy patient who doesn't have a working brain, I decided that this would be a good choice. It was not. I should have followed Steve's lead and gotten a sausage grinder. Those are much harder to screw up. But sadly I got a lame burger with the cheese not even melted on it and no topping options. Luckily I had a large complement of Bud Lights to soften the blow.

Now you might be wondering why there is no mention of these Bud Lights over at Mmmm, beers! After all, it is a beer. The reason is that there is no possible way you are going to convince me that Bud Light is delicious, and thus I would not be saying "mmmm" while drinking a Bud Light. Sadly, this means it, along with its brethren Coors Light, Miller Lite, et al, will not ever be featured on that prestigious site. Actually, that's not sad. Do you really want to read about that stuff? Don't answer that, because if the answer is yes, then I hate you.

Also, Melissa dumped a beer into my coat pocket because she is scared of police officers. Except for when she throws snowballs at them in downtown Springfield. That girl is a menace.

-Jon

Another One Bites the Dust?

As we are rapidly approaching Steve and Maura's wedding, the time had come for that ever-present male ritual of the bachelor party. For this one, the plan was to go down to Foxwoods (which actually ended up changing to going down to Mohegan Sun, which is ok because they are really close to each other). And once we got down there, it was very clearly time for dinner, because by the time we got to Mohegan Sun, my entire day's food consumption was 1 plum and 4 beers. You can tell this is the beginning of an epic night.

But you don't get to read about it, because if you aren't part of the bachelor party, then the events of the bachelor party technically never happened. Or if you're Steve's cousin, Jimmy, who may have blacked out in which case he really doesn't know what happened.

We had dinner at Margaritaville because that's where Steve wanted to go, and he was in charge of the decision making. Remembering my last trip to a Margaritaville (which was in Las Vegas), I knew NOT to get the Cheeseburger in Paradise because I would only be disappointed. Instead, I decided on the Barbecue Bacon Cheeseburger. Actually, a lot of us decided on that one. It was easily the most popular meal choice.

And it was delightful! That was some good BBQ sauce, and there was quite a bit of bacon. And, probably most importantly, it was actually medium rare. Perfectly cooked, I would say. And they also have good fries.

After dinner, I lost some money playing various games, and then sat in the racebook yelling at horses and drinking for free. I would say that it was a good night.

-Jon

Wedding Weekend

Since Matt and Tanya's wedding was this weekend, several people headed down to Rhode Island to celebrate with them. I went down with Steve and Maura the day before so that we could participate in the wedding rehearsal and rehearsal dinner. We were there a while before either, so we went over to Chili's (which was one of about 40 restaurant options within 5 miles of our hotel) and had some lunch. And beers!

After a lengthy deliberation, I finally settled on the Shiner Bock BBQ Burger. I have pretty much no idea what Shiner Bock is , but my guess is that it's some kind of BBQ sauce made out of Shiner Bock, which I am assuming is a beer. Either way, it was good stuff. There was also cheddar cheese and onion straws along with the standard lettuce, tomato and onion. There were also pickles, but I took them off and ate them separately. No pickles on my burgers!!

That was a good burger. Maybe it's because there weren't many people there, but I actually got it cooked the way I ordered it! That is a fantastic thing these days. They also have pretty good fries at Chili's. It's weird going there and not ordering a fajita though.

After that, we went back, adventured out to the church for rehearsal, and then went to a semi-fancy restaurant for dinner. As fancy as the place was, they are poor counters. Matt had told them between 35-40 people, so they set up seating for 30. Last I knew, 30 was actually a smaller number than either end of Matt's range. Eventually they got their act together and fed me a tasty steak, also cooked medium rare. Two properly cooked meats in one day? Stupendous!!

-Jon

Get Right Back on the Horse

You'd think that getting sick would stop me from grabbing another burger for lunch immediately the next day. You'd be wrong. I think this falls into the category of "if at first you don't succeed, try again." I needed to have a good burger this weekend to undo the mental effects of that Red Robin debacle.

We were going to Boston for Matt's bachelor party, so I took the responsibility for picking a place since no one else knew too many places in the city. We were staying right by the Garden, so I figured people would enjoy The Fours, the place that Kathryn and I went to on Easter. It's got good food and lots of different beers, so you can't really go wrong. I decided to get a little silly, so I got a Guinness and made my own burger. Not literally, because it would be weird if they just let random people into the kitchen, but in the sense that I picked my own toppings instead of getting a predetermined meal. I went with bacon, American cheese and avocado in addition to the standard lettuce and tomato. They had a lot more options, including chili (which I almost did just for the experience), but I decided not to overdo it. After all, we were going to be doing a lot of beer drinking in the coming hours, so I needed the stomach space.

That burger was delightful! It was cooked right, the avocado went nicely with the bacon, and there wasn't too much lettuce. The fries were also good, and we got the buffalo chicken nachos which were awesome again. All around it was a good time.

After that, things started to get silly.

We went from The Fours to Boston Beer Works right down the street to kick off our pub crawl. That's a nice little place. I tried something called "Tell-Tale Lager," which was good. I'd drink it again. They had the Uruguay-Germany match on TV, so people were getting all into that. We decided to participate as well, and just yelled really loudly every time anyone else yelled. It was a good time.

Next up was this tiny place called the Corner Cafe in the Italian district. It was about the size of my kitchen. Steve struggled with the claw machine (which ended up eating his coins without offering him a chance at a crappy prize), we lost on all our scratch tickets, and then we played Keno for a while. Not the real Keno, but the fake one that Dave played in college. It's a lot more fun, and involves a lot more yelling at the Keno TV. It turns out that yesterday was Steve G's lucky day, because his number 6 came up in probably 10 games in a row. We used that to our advantage to win $100 playing actual Keno, and walked out of there with beer money.

On the way back, we grabbed a 24-pack for the hotel room, which would quickly become a 23-pack due to gravity. Steve decided he was lazy, so he carried the beers for a little and then dumped them off on Dave. He did not warn Dave that the handle on the box was not exactly intact. Shortly after that, the handle ripped off completely and the beers went everywhere on the sidewalk. Sadly, one of them exploded on impact, leaving us with one less beer and one more story.

We ran mostly through that box o' beer and got pretty for the night out. After walking the wrong way to Park St (since me saying several times "we need to be on the other side of this building and you guys are going the wrong way" wasn't enough to get them to turn around), we ended up deciding to hit Faneuil Hall for a meal at Dick's Last Resort. That was an experience. Steve had been there before, and possible a few of the other guys, but it was new to me. The main thing there is that the employees treat all the customers like crap, and also make embarrassing hats for them. They also serve 40 oz Bud Lights, so that's a win. My ribs were cooked to rib perfection (the first bone came out clean with almost no effort, which is what is supposed to happen), and the buffalo wings were spicy enough without being weird tasting. I'd go back.

We finished off the night at Ned Devine's, which may be the longest bar/club I've ever seen. You could just keep walking and walking. It was also incredibly crowded, which made it a good thing that we had been drinking all day. I can't handle those kind of places without being properly lubricated.

All in all, it was a good night. And it probably was an indicator of future wackiness that will happen at the wedding.

-Jon

This Story Will Be Gross

Don't complain later, as I have pre-warned you here.

Originally we were supposed to go out to dinner for Mom's birthday to a nice place, but then they decided they were going to be on vacation and ruin the whole plan. Undeterred, Chuck suggested that we go out to Red Robin instead, because who really wants to cook when it's 90+ outside. You know me: if a burger is possible, I am obligated to go for it. This will turn out to be a mistake.

I went with the Five-Alarm Burger. Pepperjack cheese, peppers, jalapeños, etc. It was supposed to be very spicy. It was not. I would give it two alarms max. I also feel like I have written this before, but I couldn't find it quickly and didn't feel like putting the effort in to really look. I guess some of that Mmmm, Opinions laziness in research has made it over to this site. It really was inevitable. The burger itself was pretty good, and they cooked it right, so I can't really complain. Red Robin also does a good job on their fries, which is a major plus. I tried them with a little of the Red Robin seasoning in the ketchup, and it was a nice change of pace. That seasoning claims to have 20 different flavors in it. Some of them have got to be repeats.

After dinner, I went down to Home Goods with Mom and Chuck and picked up some mixing bowls that I desperately needed along with a few extra pillows for Kathryn the Pillow Queen. Then we went home, drank a couple beers and played cards. So far everything is great.

Fast forward to tomorrow morning. It couldn't have been the meat, because I don't think this happened to everyone, but something on my burger was past its freshness date. The Five-Alarm Burger looks a lot better going in than it does coming back out in a semi-digested state. You can still taste the jalapeños though! This is one of those times that I am really glad we have a garbage disposal. I am also really glad that I remembered that the disposal is in the right-hand sink. That could have been a disaster.

I may have just lost a couple readers.

-Jon

That Was a Rainy Day

A lot of things happened today, so hopefully I don't forget any of them.

I woke up at a ridiculously early time (for a normal person), so I figured I might as well go for a little run. Good thing I did, because other than that run and a quick trip to the gym, I spent the rest of the day eating in a terribly unhealthy fashion. Actually, I ate a little fruit, but I am not sure that it counteracts everything else I did. Sorry, stomach.

I started off the day by going over to Kathryn's cousin's graduation party. This party had the interesting characteristic of being both BYOB (understandable due to it being a high school graduation party) and BYOC(hair). That 2nd one is just strange. Luckily for me, Kathryn knows all about chair acquisition, so I took care of the B and she took care of the C. Even the rain wasn't able to ruin the party due to the presence of a nice tent. And also of cheeseburgers, which I know is the only reason you're here.

I decided to try something new and exciting, so I took my burger and topped it with the BBQ baked beans. I also filled my plate up with them. Those were some quality beans! The BBQ Baked Bean Burger may have to may an appearance on the menu at Burger Bros, because it was delicious. So delicious, in fact, that it made up for the fact that the burger was pretty much as well done as it could be while still being called a burger. I should have asked for the recipe to add to our bean & chili menu. Besides the burger and beans, I also had a plate of fruit, some sweet & sour kielbasa, two of those little brownies with the white chocolate chips you can get a Big Y in the brownie platter, and 3 Magic Hat Wackos. Can you handle that?

After that, I may or may not have gone with Kathryn over to the mall to buy candles. My memory is fuzzy on this topic.

And what day is complete with only one party? Not this one, because it was then time to head over to Steve's surprise 28th party, where the shenanigans and beer were plentiful. And also the burgers. And hot dogs. And taco dip. And Doritos. And a handful of Summer Ales. Ok, so there was a lot of food here too. I ate another burger along with about infinity tortilla chips. My goal was to eat all of the taco dip, but other people were eating it too and I had to settle for as much as possible. I will have to make myself a plate of it some day and just go to town.

Both burgers were ok by burger standards, but there was nothing spectacular. Well, nothing other than my baked bean idea for the future. That is a good plan.

However, there were lots of hilarious stories to relate. Here they are, in no particular order.

• Dave threw at least 18 empty beer bottles into the pool. If you don't know why that's funny, then you probably don't know that most beer bottles will get mostly filled with water, then turn vertical and bob around the pool.
• I found golf clubs and attempted to chip a ping-pong ball into a beer cup. So close, and yet so far. I guess I should have stuck to golf.
• Jen had a bucket of small rubber duckies. No, I don't know why. Nicole and I took a bunch of them and hid them around her house. I think she still hasn't found the last 4.
• After Jen recovered the majority of the ducks, someone took the entire bucket of them and put them all over her car. Ok, it was me. I may refer to her car as the Duckmobile for the foreseeable future.
• Geoff "iced" Steve. This is the first time I've seen this in person.

So it turns out that even though we are all 28 or turning 28, we still haven't grown up. Well, most of us haven't. Growing up is highly overrated.

-Jon

3 Burgers in 1 Day

Burgers and snack food were pretty much the entire menu for today. I suspect that it will turn out that this is not a decision that a smart person would make.

I am not really the kind of person who has a plan for his life. For instance, I have already resigned my current job without a new job lined up. Most people would not consider this to be a good plan, but for me, plans are pretty much what I make even though I generally have no intention of actually following through on them. I am a much bigger fan of just waking up and going with whatever seems to be happening. So when I heard a commercial for a summer kick-off party with beer-tasting and free hamburgers that was happening at a giant package store, that seemed like a good thing to do. And it was! All the of-age brothers (plus Tony) attended this rocking event with high levels of beer-based success.

I tried a whole bunch of new beers for the grand total of a $5 donation, and you can read about that here. I also got to eat a hamburger for free. It was still overpriced.

I understand that when you are a radio station sponsoring an event, you are probably not overly concerned with the quality of the food; you just need to get the jokers attending the event some food and get them out of line. On the other hand, all you need to improve a burger is a little bit of seasonings. Salt, pepper, garlic powder, grilling seasonings, onion powder, granulated onion. . . the possibilities are pretty much only limited by your imagination. Unfortunately, the people in charge of this event decided to choose the last option, which was none of the above. And they didn't even put cheese on the burger! And I had to wait a while for the burger, which wasn't even good! That was a very disappointing burger, which slightly marred the rest of a pretty good event.

After that, I headed over to Michelle and Steven's for their 3-hour cookout. It actually turned out that the 3 hours was not accurate, but it's much funnier if you think of it as the world's shortest cookout. Steven was running the grill, and was obviously much more capable than the folks taking care of things over at Table & Vine. Not only did these burgers actually have cheese on them, there were tomatoes and red onions for additional burger awesomeness. Anyone who knows anything (or reads this blog) knows that red onions are a great way to make a burger better. I ended up eating 2 of these burgers, a bunch of Doritos, a few pieces of barbecued chicken, some fruit and way too many cookies. Nice work, Steven.

-Jon

Earth Day is also Jen's Birthday

If you are friends with Jen, you will probably be familiar with the phrase "Earth Day is my birthday!" Especially if you were on that trip to San Diego a couple years ago. I am surprised that no one punched her in the nose after the 32nd time. I guess you aren't allowed to punch the birthday girl. Also, I am just teasing Jen, so hopefully no one gets mad. The blog for infuriating people is the other one.

Melissa organized the mini-celebration for Jen, and decided that it would include burgers and Summer Ale, which was a wise decision. A less wise decision was my decision to have 2 burgers, because they looked like this:

Holy crap! That beast contains a giant burger, pepperjack or Monterey cheddar (each burger got one of them), a tomato slice, bacon and red onion. There was absolutely no reason that I needed to eat 2 of them other than to prove my manhood for reasons to be explained shortly. You can also see the pot of baked beans back there. They sucked. They were some kind of crummy canned crap, and even adding some bacon to them couldn't save the day. I will expect better results in the future!

The burgers themselves were good, although I think they increased the volume of my stomach by about 50%. I feel like a pregnant woman must feel, but without the kicking. Those burgers are have definitely claimed some of the valuable real estate formerly occupied by my liver and kidneys.

Now for the story about why I needed to prove my manhood.

I had my regular appointment with New England Dermatology, except that instead of going where I normally go, I had to go to the Longmeadow office. Not really a big deal as it's right near where I used to work and easily reached without much difficulty. I have also heard that there is a store called Home Goods (which I thought was supposed to be a section of a store) that has a lot of good stuff for someone whose roommates own all the kitchenware but are moving out and thus that someone will be without kitchenware. I decided that I would take a little trip there after my appointment and see what I could find.

Wow, do I not belong in that store alone.

While I was there, I counted a total of 3 males. One guy I am pretty sure was lost, because he just kept walking laps around the store and occasionally stopping at the rugs. The second guy was with his wife, and both of them were old. He'd obviously just given up on arguing. And the third guy was me, who was completely overwhelmed and then lost his cart. Don't worry though, I found it a few minutes later. Or I found the cart of someone who was buying similar items to the ones I wanted, so it's close enough. I even bought a picture, which is the first thing I've ever bought that is 100% decorative and serves no other purpose than to look nice. Don't worry; I will be pointing it out to every person that comes to my house for the first 2 months it is up. You will be very sick of it.

Once I left the store, I realized than I needed to make up for this HGTV bullshit that I am currently involved in by doing something manly. You know, like eating dead animals, drinking beer, looking at boobs, punching a hobo, yelling at the athletes on the television. . . man stuff! It was actually very lucky that Melissa was making burgers, there was beer in her fridge, and the Sox were playing. I guess the other stuff will have to wait until tomorrow.

Now come over to look at my new picture!

-Jon

Getting Lost is Funny

Let this be a lesson for the future. If you are going to try a new place, you may want to either check the directions before you leave, or let the people in your car know where you are going ahead of time. Otherwise, you may end up driving 4 or 5 miles past the restaurant and having to stop behind a bank to pee. Check with Steve for more details.

We did eventually make it to Buffalo Wild Wings, and thought we were in for a long wait when we saw about 20 people standing out front. Turns out they were all together, so there was no problem. The next problem was that the guy told us there would be a wait, even though as we walked in to the bar area we saw at least 7 completely open tables. Turns out the wait was about 2 minutes. We hadn't even gotten our beers before the little buzzer went off telling us we could be seated. Why even bother with the buzzer? We stayed at the bar instead.

Now for the real dilemma. We were at a place that had "wings" in the title, but I have made a promise to eat more new burgers. What to do? I ate a burger with a ridiculous name, strictly because of said name. I hadn't even read the description, which made it even more awesome when the burger arrived and had pulled pork on it. Two animals had to die for me to eat last night. Take that, vegetarians!

The burger itself was the Big Jack Daddy Burger. Besides the pulled pork, it also had onion rings on it with some kind of sweet BBQ sauce. Maybe honey BBQ? I could probably just look it up, but meh. Throw some lettuce and tomatoes on there, and you've got a burger that pretty much stacks up to the Paradise City burger with pulled pork. Why do these places have to be so far away?

Also, their fries were good. Mmmm.

I also tried another new beer (which is another resolution I have made): BBC Cabin Fever. Apparently it's some kind of seasonal beer, because I had never heard of it before. Luckily, it's a good one. It tastes pretty similar to some other kind of beer that I can't quite put my finger on. I will have to consider this in the future.

-Jon

9 Year Reunion

Obviously we'll have to try this again at Christmas after so many people decided not to be around, but the mini-reunion was still a fun time. Mostly spent making fun of pretty much everything. Especially New Jersey. Did you realize that simply living in New Jersey makes you less friendly? Ask Kim for more details.

We went to Ruby Tuesday this year, which seems to be less appealing than Uno's since far fewer people showed up. We ended up with a pair of (former) Sagans, a pair of Steves, Helder and myself. Then we proceeded to mock the vast majority of Facebook posts than people make. We also found out that Helder pretty much remembers nobody from high school, which will make the official reunion next year incredibly hilarious.

I would say that the highlight of the meal was when Steve ordered the Turkey Sliders, then commented after the waitress left that "I never had a turkey burger, I was just under a lot of pressure. It was the first thing I saw." I think he was distracted by the salad bar.

As for myself, I went with the Triple Prime Bacon Cheddar Burger (insert lame math joke about primes). No mayo. I believe my statement was "If there's mayo, so help me. . ." but no actual threat so that I wouldn't be asked to leave the restaurant. And there was no mayo. Clearly the key is to make sure that you make a ridiculous comment after asking for no mayo to make sure that it gets remembered. Good to know for future reference, until my plan to keep mayo off all burgers is enacted. If only I had my own restaurant.

-Jon