A Fun Time in the Rain

With Steve and Maura's rehearsal dinner scheduled for Friday night, it was time to head out east to get ourselves situated at the world's most hidden Comfort Suites. Since Kathryn was working, I rode up with Beth, Mike and Jimmy in what can only be described as "The Biggest Mistake Beth Has Ever Made." I don't think that she will ever be willing to drive the 3 of us anywhere in the near future. Especially not on a long trip in the rain.

Some time around Worcester, we needed to stop so that Mike could pee, Beth could get coffee and Jimmy could throw up in the parking lot at Barnes & Noble. And I got a hot chocolate, because I didn't want to get left out. In case you were wondering, the Barnes & Noble in Random Shopping Plaza, Worcester looks a lot nicer than the one near the Holyoke Mall. You know, minus the vomit in the parking lot.

As we were leaving, Mike and I noticed that there was a Five Guys in roughly the same plaza, so we stopped there (since it's supposed to be pretty good) instead of going to McDonald's (since it's gross). I was glad, because I was super hungry and also have been told on numerous occasions that I need to go there. Well, this trip fixed both of those issues.

The first thing I thought when I walked in was that this place is a lot like In-N-Out Burger. That's probably because they have a similar ordering system and a whole lot of red around the place. I decided to get the Bacon Cheeseburger, since you have to go all out on your first trip to a new place. I also wanted to get a good idea of how the burger itself is, so I only got tomato, grilled onions and jalapeños for toppings. They have a whole bunch of other toppings as well, but I didn't want to overdo things.

Pleasant surprise number 1: the burgers are automatically double cheeseburgers. I was not expecting that. Pleasant surprise number 2: these things come with an incredibly large amount of cheese. There was cheese everywhere!! Pleasant surprise number 3: the jalapeños are the bright green fresh ones, not the olive green jarred ones. That's some good stuff right there.

The burger was great! I am glad there is another Five Guys fairly close by so that I can go again and try some crazy new burger combination. They also give you way more fries than any normal person needs to try to eat in one sitting. I didn't find the fries to be that delicious though, so having 3 servings worth of them wasn't a major selling point with me. I'll stick to just the giant burger next time.

-Jon

This Actually Didn't Happen Today

For reasons that shall go unsaid, the following stories all happened on a different day that is definitely not Tuesday, April 13th. Let's go with Sunday.

I have a long list of things to obtain in anticipation of Nicole and James moving out with all their stuff and Matt and Bill moving in with not any stuff. Some of these things make me sad, like pots and pans, silverware, etc., because that means I am probably going to be a grown-up soon. I decided to check on some prices today (which is Sunday), so I headed over to the Holyoke Mall. This of course, can only mean one thing.

Wendy's.

Since pretty much anyone who has ever eaten at Wendy's knows what a burger from Wendy's tastes like, I will instead list a bunch of random thoughts I had while walking around the mall. Also, I will show you what my bag from Wendy's said.

Nerds.

I bet this post will be popular with Michelle Sagan Gonçalves.

-I can't wait until I don't have to work and can walk around the mall before there are many customers. When you're the only customer in the store, you sure get a lot of attention! I am also excited about reaching that age where you stop caring about your appearance in public. I have to assume that many of those people do not have mirrors in their homes/mobile homes/vans that double as homes.

-If you walk around the mall taking pictures of products and writing down the UPC numbers so that you can look up the prices later, people are going to look at you funny. But no one will say anything to you, which means you don't have to stop doing it.

-Children + shopping = misery. I cannot figure out why people even try to have a normal life while they have children under the age of 10. Unless their kids are crate-trained, so they can leave them home while they have fun.

-A lot of people who work at the Holyoke Mall speak Spanish. It makes me miss the ridiculous times we had in Sra. Bennett's Spanish II, III and IV classes. And also that study I had in her class senior year. Poor Sra. Bennett. . .

-I bet when people order food at restaurants and all the employees are speaking another language, the more racist people think the employees are saying things about them. When Bill and I open a restaurant, I think we should learn Greek just to mess with people. I bet that not many people around here know Greek.

-For some reason, walking around with a Starbuck's cup made retail people take me a lot more seriously. Haha! Joke's on you, suckers!! It was hot chocolate, not coffee!

-I feel really awkward looking at things in the housewares section. I think the employees there know that I do not belong. I am going to have to bring Kathryn next time.

-Why is Target so huge? And why don't they have CD racks? These are the questions that will keep me up tonight.

-I should probably stop going in the "sad puppies" store next to Macy's. At least until I win the lottery and can actually buy some of those poor pups. Also, did you know that they make white pugs? There was one at that store, but I bet it won't be there next time I go, since I've never seen the same dog twice. She is either doing an amazing business, or it's a kill-shelter. I really hope it's the first option.

-I am going to say that if someone pulls up to you in the parking lot of Dick's Sporting Goods and offers to sell you a surround sound system and projection TV, there is probably a 99.9% to 100% chance that those items are stolen. I couldn't even make this story up.

-What kind of store is Kohl's? I thought it was a clothing store, but apparently, they also sell this:

I am so confused right now.

-Kohl's really needs to be 2 floors. At Macy's, I know I belong upstairs. At JCPenney, I know I belong downstairs. At Kohl's, I got completely lost and ended up in a section of clocks. This is a problem.

-I don't know much about vacuum cleaners, but I know I definitely do not need one that costs $549.99. For that price, it better vacuum my house for me while I'm gone!

-One of my shoes squeaks when I walk. I keep thinking that I've stepped on a mouse.

-If there is a (non-food or drink) product I like, there is also a really good chance that if I ever want another one, it will be impossible to find. Like that CD rack Melissa gave me. That thing is great. Too bad I am completely unable to locate another one like it. Now I have stacks and stacks of CD cases that are homeless.

-Baystate Medical Center is clearly a maze. I think I rode 5 different elevators and ended up on at least 3 different floors before I found Kathryn. Then I put a tracking device on her in case I ever need to find her there again. I am not repeating that navigatory disaster. I hope she doesn't read this and find it. Also, apparently "navigatory" is not the adjective form of navigation. I'm leaving it there anyways.

-If someone you don't know tells you they recognize you from Facebook, it may cause you to panic. Or maybe that was just me.

-If you are driving, and there is not a stop sign, it is a good idea not to stop. Otherwise you may aggravate me and end up being referenced in a blog that 5-10 people read. Yeah that's right, Stupid-Old-Lady-Driving-a-VW-Golf, I'm talking about you. Why were you stopping!?

-Have you seen the guy who walks around Ludlow with the crazy white beard? That must have taken a long time to grow. I bet it's really itchy.

-For some reason, when I am halfway done cleaning my room, it looks worse than when I started. I think I'm doing something wrong.

-Some people are really intense about their lawn. And other people don't seem to care at all. I am in group 2. Sometimes I worry that the people in the intense group see my "lawn" and are secretly judging me. Hey, lawn care cuts into my Sam Adams time.

-If you pay $13 for a shoe rack, you are definitely getting what you paid for. I am pretty sure that I could break this thing by sneezing too hard.

-Why is the packaging on this shoe rack so hard to open? Were there a lot of people opening the packages at the store and running off with the racks? This seems a little extreme.

-I have way more shoes than a normal man needs. Waaaaaaaaay more.

-That was a lot of thoughts about shoes. I hope I don't have a foot fetish.

-Jon

This is Becoming a Habit

Ok, so apparently I was not done with my Christmas shopping after all. Maybe next time I should check my list a little more closely. Maybe even check it twice! Wow, that was bad.

Back to the mall to finish up a couple last minute things. Of course, I am not able to divulge the gifts in case anyone actually reads this thing, but suffice it to say that as long as Mom's gift arrives in the next 2 days, I am all set. Also, it turns out that ordering something on December 11th still might not be early enough for it to arrive by Christmas. Hopefully next year I will come back and read this and do all my online shopping on Thanksgiving. Good thing I'm writing it down.

Since I am pretty much opposed to all other fast food, going to the mall offers me the chance to eat at the one passable restaurant: Wendy's. I ordered exactly the same thing as last time, but this time I actually made an effort to remember the name of the meal. Which I then forgot. I am an embarrassment to burger-blog-writers everywhere.

I am pleased that while the burger was literally exactly the same as last time, the fries were slightly less salty. Still far too salty, but at least semi-enjoyable. No Frosty this time though. Maybe that's a sign that I am growing up.

In other news, watch the posts for a new link. Tired of reading about burgers? Looking for under-researched and over-opinionated writing with far too many dependent clauses and an excessive use of parentheses? Want me to stop asking rhetorical questions? Stay tuned. . .

-Jon

One of Them Was Slightly Better

Days where 2 of the meals are cheeseburgers are generally good days. Today was no exception to this rule.

The first burger was Wendy's for lunch after a hard day of Christmas shopping. It actually was quite hard because of back pain from shoveling the day before. Kathryn and I utilized many a Holyoke Mall bench for frequent breaks, which I have to assume added about half an hour to our trip. Also, what is the deal with the Borders at that mall? It's nearly impossible to find what you are looking for if you are looking for a specific book.

I went with the. . . I don't know, whatever they replaced the Big Bacon Classic with. It's the exact same thing. And still delicious. And the Frosty (not Joe, the milkshake thing) is always a nice replacement for a soda. Too bad they went a little overboard with the salt on my French fries. I still ate them all though, because I am a champion.

Later, dinner ended up being cheeseburgers again! This time they were grilled in foolish sub-freezing temperatures over at Dad and Kelly's. Two of us had burgers, and two of us had charcoal briquets. Apparently these silly ladies think that well done is an appropriate way to cook a piece of meat. I shed a tear.

In an unrelated side (dish) note, we had tortellini salad along with the burgers. I would estimate that I ate about a pound. That is good stuff.

-Jon

More Fast Food

Now, the first burger after a trip to RF's is always going to suffer from high expectations, so it was not going to bode well for the burger we grabbed on the way home that we stopped at Wendy's. Since I'm not a huge fast food fan in the first place (exception made for In-N-Out Burger of course), there is not much chance that I was going to be wowed by this thing.

After we left Boston, we traveled about 13 minutes before I fell asleep. Then I woke up and found that we had only gone like 3 exits and then hit some ridiculous traffic. It was completely stop-and-go, with most of the emphasis being on the stop part. Finally we decided that route 20 might be a better choice, and weaseled our way off the highway at exit 10A. And that decision brought us to Wendy's.

A long time ago I was told that it's always better at a fast food place to make a special order so that there is no way they can give you a burger that has been sitting a while. Wendy's makes this easy to do because they commit burger Sin #1 and have mayo on their Big Bacon Classic. Side note - the Big Bacon Classic has been demoted from the list of numbered meals. What is that about? Amy and I both opted for the BBC, while Scott chose some sort of chicken looking thing. That burger was exactly what you would expect from Wendy's, with the added bonus of being put together really sloppily.

Three hours after departing, we finally arrived back at Ludlow. This is far too long of a time for that trip. At least the rest of the weekend was super wacky.

-Jon

Probably Not New Jersey's Best Work . . .

This weekend was the big trip to Baltimore to see the Sox take on the lowly Orioles. First of all, Camden Yards is much too nice of a ballpark for a team like Baltimore to have. It's really not fair. Second of all, there is some sort of crazy outside drinking festival that apparently takes place after every game right across the street from the park. That was a fun time, mostly because James, Joe, Bill and myself decided to ask every guy who walked by if he had met Lindsay. If you haven't seen How I Met Your Mother, you won't get what was going on.

After having some gastrointestinal difficulties on Sunday morning (a burrito looks surprisingly similar coming back up as it does on its way down), I was really hungry by the time we were going home. The bus hit a rest stop somewhere in New Jersey, and our choices were Roy Rogers, Pizza Hut or Blimpie (which I am pretty sure was the cause of the vomiting from earlier in the day). I'm aware that Blimpie doesn't serve burritos, but I think the sandwich from Blimpie caused my stomach to reject the burrito I had for dinner. Regardless, I ended up choosing a bacon cheeseburger from Roy Rogers and then loading it up with tomatoes.

Boy was that a mediocre burger. Even with my incredibly low expectations, I was still disappointed. I have no idea where we were, but I hope we weren't in New Brunswick because that would mean I missed out on New Jersey's best burger.

On the plus side, the Sox won both games we attended, so we had that going for us. Which is nice.

-Jon

The First Fast Food Appearance

It's no secret that I am a fan of The Big Lebowski. Hell, I went as Jesus Quintana for Halloween. So the fact that In-N-Out Burger is mentioned in the film meant that if I ever had the opportunity, I had to get a burger there. Now, since for the first 25 years of my life the farthest west I had ever travelled was the Gulf coast of Florida, and since In-N-Out Burger is primarily located on the west coast, I didn't expect the chance. However, the trip to San Diego last spring changed that, and I was a huge fan.

Fast forward to Vegas, and at about 6:34 am on Saturday morning I get a text from Jenny of a picture of In-N-Out Burger. At this point, my lunch (which ended up being breakfast) was planned. There isn't really anything to say about it; if you've had one, you know it's good stuff. Plus, there is a guy who runs potatoes through some kind of crazy fry-making machine all day and that is just hilarious.

Also, this will probably be the only burger from a fast food chain that makes this blog. Unless I find a Fatburger somewhere, which gets eaten strictly because of a Notorious B.I.G. reference. I am highly suggestible.

-Jon