This Actually Didn't Happen Today

For reasons that shall go unsaid, the following stories all happened on a different day that is definitely not Tuesday, April 13th. Let's go with Sunday.

I have a long list of things to obtain in anticipation of Nicole and James moving out with all their stuff and Matt and Bill moving in with not any stuff. Some of these things make me sad, like pots and pans, silverware, etc., because that means I am probably going to be a grown-up soon. I decided to check on some prices today (which is Sunday), so I headed over to the Holyoke Mall. This of course, can only mean one thing.

Wendy's.

Since pretty much anyone who has ever eaten at Wendy's knows what a burger from Wendy's tastes like, I will instead list a bunch of random thoughts I had while walking around the mall. Also, I will show you what my bag from Wendy's said.

Nerds.

I bet this post will be popular with Michelle Sagan Gonçalves.

-I can't wait until I don't have to work and can walk around the mall before there are many customers. When you're the only customer in the store, you sure get a lot of attention! I am also excited about reaching that age where you stop caring about your appearance in public. I have to assume that many of those people do not have mirrors in their homes/mobile homes/vans that double as homes.

-If you walk around the mall taking pictures of products and writing down the UPC numbers so that you can look up the prices later, people are going to look at you funny. But no one will say anything to you, which means you don't have to stop doing it.

-Children + shopping = misery. I cannot figure out why people even try to have a normal life while they have children under the age of 10. Unless their kids are crate-trained, so they can leave them home while they have fun.

-A lot of people who work at the Holyoke Mall speak Spanish. It makes me miss the ridiculous times we had in Sra. Bennett's Spanish II, III and IV classes. And also that study I had in her class senior year. Poor Sra. Bennett. . .

-I bet when people order food at restaurants and all the employees are speaking another language, the more racist people think the employees are saying things about them. When Bill and I open a restaurant, I think we should learn Greek just to mess with people. I bet that not many people around here know Greek.

-For some reason, walking around with a Starbuck's cup made retail people take me a lot more seriously. Haha! Joke's on you, suckers!! It was hot chocolate, not coffee!

-I feel really awkward looking at things in the housewares section. I think the employees there know that I do not belong. I am going to have to bring Kathryn next time.

-Why is Target so huge? And why don't they have CD racks? These are the questions that will keep me up tonight.

-I should probably stop going in the "sad puppies" store next to Macy's. At least until I win the lottery and can actually buy some of those poor pups. Also, did you know that they make white pugs? There was one at that store, but I bet it won't be there next time I go, since I've never seen the same dog twice. She is either doing an amazing business, or it's a kill-shelter. I really hope it's the first option.

-I am going to say that if someone pulls up to you in the parking lot of Dick's Sporting Goods and offers to sell you a surround sound system and projection TV, there is probably a 99.9% to 100% chance that those items are stolen. I couldn't even make this story up.

-What kind of store is Kohl's? I thought it was a clothing store, but apparently, they also sell this:

I am so confused right now.

-Kohl's really needs to be 2 floors. At Macy's, I know I belong upstairs. At JCPenney, I know I belong downstairs. At Kohl's, I got completely lost and ended up in a section of clocks. This is a problem.

-I don't know much about vacuum cleaners, but I know I definitely do not need one that costs $549.99. For that price, it better vacuum my house for me while I'm gone!

-One of my shoes squeaks when I walk. I keep thinking that I've stepped on a mouse.

-If there is a (non-food or drink) product I like, there is also a really good chance that if I ever want another one, it will be impossible to find. Like that CD rack Melissa gave me. That thing is great. Too bad I am completely unable to locate another one like it. Now I have stacks and stacks of CD cases that are homeless.

-Baystate Medical Center is clearly a maze. I think I rode 5 different elevators and ended up on at least 3 different floors before I found Kathryn. Then I put a tracking device on her in case I ever need to find her there again. I am not repeating that navigatory disaster. I hope she doesn't read this and find it. Also, apparently "navigatory" is not the adjective form of navigation. I'm leaving it there anyways.

-If someone you don't know tells you they recognize you from Facebook, it may cause you to panic. Or maybe that was just me.

-If you are driving, and there is not a stop sign, it is a good idea not to stop. Otherwise you may aggravate me and end up being referenced in a blog that 5-10 people read. Yeah that's right, Stupid-Old-Lady-Driving-a-VW-Golf, I'm talking about you. Why were you stopping!?

-Have you seen the guy who walks around Ludlow with the crazy white beard? That must have taken a long time to grow. I bet it's really itchy.

-For some reason, when I am halfway done cleaning my room, it looks worse than when I started. I think I'm doing something wrong.

-Some people are really intense about their lawn. And other people don't seem to care at all. I am in group 2. Sometimes I worry that the people in the intense group see my "lawn" and are secretly judging me. Hey, lawn care cuts into my Sam Adams time.

-If you pay $13 for a shoe rack, you are definitely getting what you paid for. I am pretty sure that I could break this thing by sneezing too hard.

-Why is the packaging on this shoe rack so hard to open? Were there a lot of people opening the packages at the store and running off with the racks? This seems a little extreme.

-I have way more shoes than a normal man needs. Waaaaaaaaay more.

-That was a lot of thoughts about shoes. I hope I don't have a foot fetish.

-Jon

The Unexpected Lunch Burger

After a long break, it was yet again burger time. This one was unexpected because the original plan was to go to Joy's for lunch, which in itself was unexpected as Joy's is a breakfast tradition. Regardless, somehow we ended up at Ruby Tuesday's instead since Joy's entire staff is currently on vacation. Or maybe just Joy is on vacation and refuses to open the place. This is not really on topic.

I don't know when the last time I was at Ruby Tuesday's was, but they have changed their menus again (for what I can only imagine is the 19th time in the past 6 years) and potentially had new burgers. It was a toss-up between the Boston Blue Burger (hooray alliteration!) and the Blackened Fish "Burger," but after an extremely short internal debate I went with the 3 B's. Hey, the sauce had Boston Lager in it and I'm a sucker for Sam Adams.

Surprisingly, everything about the burger was good except the blue cheese. I know, I'm as shocked as you are. It was some crumbled bleu cheese thing, but it just wasn't that great. I knocked a bunch of it off, which made everything better. Also, I guess they redid their fries since they weren't covered with 14 tablespoons of salt. That is good news! Plus, my burger was made with real cow, unlike Kathryn and James' burgers. This helped me avoid the wrath of Matt, who apparently only allows meat burgers (good choice there, as evidenced by my first posting ever).

In other news, I may be in Boston this weekend depending on if Alex's possible concussion lets him remember he's supposed to let me know tomorrow. That may result in another Blackjack Burger (the current champion) and other beer-related shenanigans. How exciting! Although in all honesty, I am hoping I eat at least one more burger before then.

-Jon

One Down, 49 To Go

So obviously with my borderline insane love of burgers, I was fairly excited to come across this link.  Now I clearly have a lot of work to do, but I can cross off the easiest (in theory) one after visiting Christopher's in Cambridge (conveniently located right near Alex's).

Since the burger on the list was the English Burger, I didn't even consult the menu and went for it rare.  Remember when they stopped letting you order burgers rare?  That was a terrible time for eating.  Anyways, this burger was great.  I am not sure if it was the seasoning stuff or the fact that it was marinated in some kind of Sam Adams based marinade (ok, it was the beer) but that was a good burger.  I am not sure if it's the best in the state though, because those burgers at R. F. O'Sullivan are also quite good.  Actually, this burger was probably good enough to be on the menu there.  And it was served on an English muffin, which I think may be where they came up with the name. 

I think that dinner may also be cheeseburgers.  Is it possible to get meat poisoning?

-Jon

More Bacon!

For Thursday night dinner, it's always a surprise what is going to be coming since that is dinner with Dad and Stepmom day.  But as the weather improves, the chances are greater and greater that it will be a burger day.  Last week, there were burgers in the fridge, and I was pretty pumped, but it was not to be.  It ended up being Chinese food, which ordinarily is a fantastic choice, but for some reason the place decided to:  forget that Dad ordered food, put a super-rush on the food, and pack it up before it was actually hot.  The dumplings were good though.

Fast forward a week and it was again Thursday night.  This time I was coming straight from volleyball, so there was no chance to get psyched up.  However, when I smelled the bacon cooking, I was pretty sure there were burgers coming, and the sight of Ruffle's chips and that Frito-Lay jalapeno cheese dip (it's a Dias thing) confirmed my suspicions.  It was burger night!!

That was a good burger.  And the Sox just scored 3 runs as I type this.  And I've got a Sam Adams in lap (it would be dangerous to type and drink at the same time).  Life is good.

-Jon

Carside To Go

Everything about this burger suggested that it was not going to be very good.  It was takeout from Applebee's; it was sitting for a while before pickup (their fault, since it was clearly ready long before they said it would be); the French fries tasted weird.  And despite all that, it was actually surprisingly good.

The burger was something like the Cheddar Bacon Cheeseburger.  Nothing crazy going on, but all in all it was a good time.  This was possibly because the Summer of Sam Summer Challenge II is now in effect (and with Summer Ale around I have a more positive outlook toward everything).  In addition, the beer has been released two weeks early according to my beer provider at Pop 'N Kork.  While this is bad news for him, since he still has a large stock of crappy White Ale, it is excellent news for me.  However, this has nothing to do with burgers.

I think that if I ever end up at Applebee's for some reason, I am going to have to give this burger a try for real to see if it was just a fluke or if there is some sweet, sweet burger action going on at that restaurant.  Only time will tell.

-Jon

In Which I Am Told a Terrible Lie

In my current state of moving, I have been using those cardboard boxes that reams of paper come in, so that it currently looks like I am not really moving from one apartment to another, but rather that I am a lawyer moving offices.  And the source of those boxes has been Jen, whose school apparently is overrun with said boxes.  This led to me stopping by her house today to obtain more boxes (I'm up to around 10) and us going to Uno's with Melissa.

At this point, I don't even really need the menu at Uno's, because I am getting the Bring Home the Bacon Burger with spicy cheddar cheese if I'm hungry.  If not, then it'll probably be the buffalo chicken quesadilla, but since that's not a burger there's really no point in discussing it further.  In and of itself, the burger is not particularly noteworthy, because it's always awesome.  However, today was filled with tragedy.

There's really no reason to go to Uno's and not drink a few beers, so we decided to get beer.  When Melissa asked if they had Spring Ale on tap (an admittedly foolish question, as Spring Ale blows), the waitress told us they had switched to Summer Ale.  I, of course, was immediately overcome with emotion for two reasons:  the first being that Summer Ale coming out is like the best moment of the beer drinking calendar, and the second being embarrassed that I was surprised by it coming out so early.  Needless to say, we ordered a round.  Sadly, no matter what that waitress said, that was definitely NOT Summer Ale, and I have had a few (hundred) so I know what I'm saying here.  I don't know if it was Spring Ale in a Summer Ale keg, or just a mistake on the waitress's part, but the official start of drinking season is yet to come.  On the plus side, I did have a bunch of #9's, so the beer drinking was not a total loss.

-Jon

We Eat More Burgers

Since burgers were not an option Friday night, they became a requirement on Saturday.  Along with about a million beers, starting at 11:45 am.  It was a day of beer variety, combining Magic Hat, Sam Adams Boston Ale, Red Stripe (Hooray beer!) and Harpoon UFO.  Also, we threw a White Russian in there for good measure.

Of course we ended up at R.F. O'Sullivan for lunch, where I had a Black & Blue Burger to compare it to the one from ESPNZone.  Surprisingly, the ESPNZone burger might have been the winner.  The blue cheese on this one was a little too everywhere.  But we did get to continue our drinking, which was pretty sweet.  And we ended up eating the leftover fries and onion rings around midnight.

Then we ate more burgers the next day for lunch, but homemade again.  With bacon.  This was a quality weekend for burgers all around.

-Jon

Oh yeah. . .

I guess I forgot about the last burger of the Vegas trip. Which is strange, because it was by far the best one. And I got an enormous glass (if that's the right word for the monstrous container) of Sam Adams, which I was allowed to wander the casino with.

After James and I abused the craps table at Casino Royale for $96 and $248 respectively, the 6 of us headed to ESPNZone for dinner on James' recommendation. It did not disappoint. I went with the Black and Blue Burger, mostly because it had a funny title. But also because how often do you get a burger that is covered in gorgonzola cheese? It also had blackened spices, which based on my cooking is just a fancy word for burnt, but this time meant "delicious." I guess I have a few things to learn about cooking. There was also some chipotle sauce on that bad boy, which was a fantastic choice. Hands down, it was the best of the 5 Vegas burgers, and would give some of R.F. O'Sullivan's a run for their money.

We also had the enjoyment of being next to a wall covered in TVs showing like 13 different sporting events, but the most exciting was a hockey game. No, seriously! There was a drunken group of guys who had to be from Canada based purely on their love of hockey and their intense cheering for Calgary. Which meant that I was also cheering for Calgary, only because it meant I could start yelling in a restaurant without any consequences. Ah Vegas, I do so love your open container laws.

-Jon

Airport Burgers < Normal Burgers

So this was probably my fault for expecting more from an airport restaurant, but Chili's Mushroom Swiss Burgers pales in comparison to the Swissroom Burger. Now, this was obviously going to be the case, but I had higher hopes for Chili's.

The first sign that something was up was when Jen and I ordered a Boston Lager and the waitress brought us Foster's. Now, Foster's sounds similar to Boston, especially when you don't really speak English (like our waitress), but c'mon now. Does anyone even drink Foster's? I believe my response to the appearance of said beer was that it was "Australian for crap*." Eventually this situation was rectified, with normal Sam Adams beer replacing that sham of a beverage.

The burger itself wasn't bad. It wasn't good either. It just. . . was. I literally remember nothing remarkable about it. Now that may be because of the dramamine, but I am going with a rather disappointing burger night. Luckily there was burger brilliance to follow!

-Jon

*If you are one of the 6 people in the world who like Foster's, my apologies. Not about what I said, but about your horrendous choice of beers.

The Sweet & Smoky Steakburger

The first burger of 2009! Jen* and I went over to the 99 for dinner on Saturday with the intention of it being a prelude to some beer drinking, Guitar Hero rocking, and snow hating. Surprisingly, while 2 out of 3 of these things occurred, it was the first that did not. What has happened to the Jon of the Summer of Sam Summer Challenge??

But I digress.

Since I have yet to find the Greatest Burger Ever, I didn't even bother with the first few pages of the menu. Appetizers? Can't take up valuable burger space. Pasta? Really, at the 99? Seafood? Unlikely. At last I reached section I needed: Steakburgers (which is apparently a registered trademark?).

Maybe it's because of the bacon, maybe it's because it was like the first burger on the list, but the Sweet & Smoky Steakburger was calling my name.

Also, Sam Adams called my name as well. I'm on his speed dial.

The results? The quest continues. The burger was fine, if a bit overdone. I am not sure why I bother with asking for meat cooked medium. It's really more of a range, and that bad boy was definitely bordering on the well done section of meat cooking, which is really a crime. Also, if you claim your chipotle BBQ sauce is spicy, I better be asking for at least 2 more waters by the end of the meal. This was not the case.

Would I order the burger again? Probably. But I wouldn't be dragging people out to try it.

-Jon

*Names are changed to protect the innocent. Or are they?