Earth Day is also Jen's Birthday

If you are friends with Jen, you will probably be familiar with the phrase "Earth Day is my birthday!" Especially if you were on that trip to San Diego a couple years ago. I am surprised that no one punched her in the nose after the 32nd time. I guess you aren't allowed to punch the birthday girl. Also, I am just teasing Jen, so hopefully no one gets mad. The blog for infuriating people is the other one.

Melissa organized the mini-celebration for Jen, and decided that it would include burgers and Summer Ale, which was a wise decision. A less wise decision was my decision to have 2 burgers, because they looked like this:

Holy crap! That beast contains a giant burger, pepperjack or Monterey cheddar (each burger got one of them), a tomato slice, bacon and red onion. There was absolutely no reason that I needed to eat 2 of them other than to prove my manhood for reasons to be explained shortly. You can also see the pot of baked beans back there. They sucked. They were some kind of crummy canned crap, and even adding some bacon to them couldn't save the day. I will expect better results in the future!

The burgers themselves were good, although I think they increased the volume of my stomach by about 50%. I feel like a pregnant woman must feel, but without the kicking. Those burgers are have definitely claimed some of the valuable real estate formerly occupied by my liver and kidneys.

Now for the story about why I needed to prove my manhood.

I had my regular appointment with New England Dermatology, except that instead of going where I normally go, I had to go to the Longmeadow office. Not really a big deal as it's right near where I used to work and easily reached without much difficulty. I have also heard that there is a store called Home Goods (which I thought was supposed to be a section of a store) that has a lot of good stuff for someone whose roommates own all the kitchenware but are moving out and thus that someone will be without kitchenware. I decided that I would take a little trip there after my appointment and see what I could find.

Wow, do I not belong in that store alone.

While I was there, I counted a total of 3 males. One guy I am pretty sure was lost, because he just kept walking laps around the store and occasionally stopping at the rugs. The second guy was with his wife, and both of them were old. He'd obviously just given up on arguing. And the third guy was me, who was completely overwhelmed and then lost his cart. Don't worry though, I found it a few minutes later. Or I found the cart of someone who was buying similar items to the ones I wanted, so it's close enough. I even bought a picture, which is the first thing I've ever bought that is 100% decorative and serves no other purpose than to look nice. Don't worry; I will be pointing it out to every person that comes to my house for the first 2 months it is up. You will be very sick of it.

Once I left the store, I realized than I needed to make up for this HGTV bullshit that I am currently involved in by doing something manly. You know, like eating dead animals, drinking beer, looking at boobs, punching a hobo, yelling at the athletes on the television. . . man stuff! It was actually very lucky that Melissa was making burgers, there was beer in her fridge, and the Sox were playing. I guess the other stuff will have to wait until tomorrow.

Now come over to look at my new picture!

-Jon

Friday, We Hardly Knew Ye

Editor's note - I am way more intoxicated than I thought I was, so apologies in advance for when this doesn't make sense, slash is unreadable.

Today was a very full day. I left the house around 7:45, and, except for the 10 minutes I took to change from referee attire to public appearance attire, didn't return until 2:15am the night/morning after. It was almost like the entire day zipped by like a. . . zipper? Wait, that doesn't make any sense. Anyways, if this were a Facebook status update, it would read something like:

Woke up, taught math for a while, participated semi-appropriately in PD, officiated volleyball, then off to dinner at Paradise City and the Gaelic Storm concert followed by a few cocktails at the Lighthouse and blackout central.

Except that if it were me making the post, I would have made it more ridiculous and in-depth by indicating all the minutiae like going to the bathroom, sneezing, driving, etc.

I swear that when I started typing this, I had a point . . .

Oh right. I had a burger tonight!

Since Kathryn and I were going to a concert at the Calvin, it only made sense that we would eat dinner somewhere in Northampton. And after being foiled many times in my attempt to eat that burger with pulled pork, we went to Paradise City in order to fulfill my meat-based desires.

Ok, that sounds awkward.

I arrived first, so I snagged a table and ordered some random beers. I chose the Green Flash Hop Head Red Ale*, and got Kathryn something with watermelon. She liked hers, but it actually sucked, while mine was super hoppy and not too shabby. But more importantly, I got a burger with at least 2 animals on it. Take a look! That thing is gigantic!

Seriously, a burger nearly the size of a pint glass? That is wild. I think I may have discussed this burger in the past, so I won't dwell on the details, but I will touch on the major points. Those fries to the right of my burger? They sucked somethin' fierce. But Kathryn's fries (not visible in the picture, as they are behind my burger) were delicious. I apparently got the end of one batch while she got the firsts of the next. What the hell!? Does Kathryn write a blog solely dedicated to burgers?? No, she does not! Impress me, jerkoffs!!

Luckily for them, the burger was delicious. Even though the went a little too far with the cooking and hit the medium cooking range, it was still pretty juicy and did not resemble a piece of charcoal. And did you see the incredibly terrible picture Kathryn put on Facebook? I am clearly enjoying myself in my burger consumption. And there were two different onion options, including the highly coveted red onion! Can't really go wrong there.

In the long run, I will probably be stealing this burger idea for Burger Bros. Possibly coming soon to the Lighthouse! But even more possibly not coming soon.

Long story short: the burger was delicious, the fries sucked, Gaelic Storm put on a great show and Jager defeated me tonight in a close battle. Enjoy the weekend!

-Jon

* - This should be a link at some point. Please call/text/Facebook me and give me a hard time if it's not a link by Sunday, April 18th, because it means I have forgotten and need a swift kick in the pants to get me back on track.

This Actually Didn't Happen Today

For reasons that shall go unsaid, the following stories all happened on a different day that is definitely not Tuesday, April 13th. Let's go with Sunday.

I have a long list of things to obtain in anticipation of Nicole and James moving out with all their stuff and Matt and Bill moving in with not any stuff. Some of these things make me sad, like pots and pans, silverware, etc., because that means I am probably going to be a grown-up soon. I decided to check on some prices today (which is Sunday), so I headed over to the Holyoke Mall. This of course, can only mean one thing.

Wendy's.

Since pretty much anyone who has ever eaten at Wendy's knows what a burger from Wendy's tastes like, I will instead list a bunch of random thoughts I had while walking around the mall. Also, I will show you what my bag from Wendy's said.

Nerds.

I bet this post will be popular with Michelle Sagan Gonçalves.

-I can't wait until I don't have to work and can walk around the mall before there are many customers. When you're the only customer in the store, you sure get a lot of attention! I am also excited about reaching that age where you stop caring about your appearance in public. I have to assume that many of those people do not have mirrors in their homes/mobile homes/vans that double as homes.

-If you walk around the mall taking pictures of products and writing down the UPC numbers so that you can look up the prices later, people are going to look at you funny. But no one will say anything to you, which means you don't have to stop doing it.

-Children + shopping = misery. I cannot figure out why people even try to have a normal life while they have children under the age of 10. Unless their kids are crate-trained, so they can leave them home while they have fun.

-A lot of people who work at the Holyoke Mall speak Spanish. It makes me miss the ridiculous times we had in Sra. Bennett's Spanish II, III and IV classes. And also that study I had in her class senior year. Poor Sra. Bennett. . .

-I bet when people order food at restaurants and all the employees are speaking another language, the more racist people think the employees are saying things about them. When Bill and I open a restaurant, I think we should learn Greek just to mess with people. I bet that not many people around here know Greek.

-For some reason, walking around with a Starbuck's cup made retail people take me a lot more seriously. Haha! Joke's on you, suckers!! It was hot chocolate, not coffee!

-I feel really awkward looking at things in the housewares section. I think the employees there know that I do not belong. I am going to have to bring Kathryn next time.

-Why is Target so huge? And why don't they have CD racks? These are the questions that will keep me up tonight.

-I should probably stop going in the "sad puppies" store next to Macy's. At least until I win the lottery and can actually buy some of those poor pups. Also, did you know that they make white pugs? There was one at that store, but I bet it won't be there next time I go, since I've never seen the same dog twice. She is either doing an amazing business, or it's a kill-shelter. I really hope it's the first option.

-I am going to say that if someone pulls up to you in the parking lot of Dick's Sporting Goods and offers to sell you a surround sound system and projection TV, there is probably a 99.9% to 100% chance that those items are stolen. I couldn't even make this story up.

-What kind of store is Kohl's? I thought it was a clothing store, but apparently, they also sell this:

I am so confused right now.

-Kohl's really needs to be 2 floors. At Macy's, I know I belong upstairs. At JCPenney, I know I belong downstairs. At Kohl's, I got completely lost and ended up in a section of clocks. This is a problem.

-I don't know much about vacuum cleaners, but I know I definitely do not need one that costs $549.99. For that price, it better vacuum my house for me while I'm gone!

-One of my shoes squeaks when I walk. I keep thinking that I've stepped on a mouse.

-If there is a (non-food or drink) product I like, there is also a really good chance that if I ever want another one, it will be impossible to find. Like that CD rack Melissa gave me. That thing is great. Too bad I am completely unable to locate another one like it. Now I have stacks and stacks of CD cases that are homeless.

-Baystate Medical Center is clearly a maze. I think I rode 5 different elevators and ended up on at least 3 different floors before I found Kathryn. Then I put a tracking device on her in case I ever need to find her there again. I am not repeating that navigatory disaster. I hope she doesn't read this and find it. Also, apparently "navigatory" is not the adjective form of navigation. I'm leaving it there anyways.

-If someone you don't know tells you they recognize you from Facebook, it may cause you to panic. Or maybe that was just me.

-If you are driving, and there is not a stop sign, it is a good idea not to stop. Otherwise you may aggravate me and end up being referenced in a blog that 5-10 people read. Yeah that's right, Stupid-Old-Lady-Driving-a-VW-Golf, I'm talking about you. Why were you stopping!?

-Have you seen the guy who walks around Ludlow with the crazy white beard? That must have taken a long time to grow. I bet it's really itchy.

-For some reason, when I am halfway done cleaning my room, it looks worse than when I started. I think I'm doing something wrong.

-Some people are really intense about their lawn. And other people don't seem to care at all. I am in group 2. Sometimes I worry that the people in the intense group see my "lawn" and are secretly judging me. Hey, lawn care cuts into my Sam Adams time.

-If you pay $13 for a shoe rack, you are definitely getting what you paid for. I am pretty sure that I could break this thing by sneezing too hard.

-Why is the packaging on this shoe rack so hard to open? Were there a lot of people opening the packages at the store and running off with the racks? This seems a little extreme.

-I have way more shoes than a normal man needs. Waaaaaaaaay more.

-That was a lot of thoughts about shoes. I hope I don't have a foot fetish.

-Jon

The Celtics Almost Kill Me

In case you didn't watch it, the Celtics beat the Cavaliers today in a game that had both a terrific performance by the C's as well as a completely horrendous performance by the C's. It also had a whole bunch of technical fouls, a guy dressed in a bunny suit dancing to "Livin' On a Prayer," and an insane 4th quarter performance by LeBron James, which I can only assume will greatly aggravate Bill and Dad.

The day also included 2 fun trips on the T (which are actually not fun), an annoying experience with some stupid bitch who (whom?) I wanted to punch in the teeth, Kathryn and I looking like lost tourists, and lunch/dinner at a place called The Four's.

We parked at Riverside and rode the Green Line in because: a) I suck at driving in cities and it terrifies me to have to do it, and b) we are stupid and wanted to participate in the massive social experiment that is public transportation. Since the Garden is at North Station and the train only went as far as Government Center, we had the choice of either waiting for the next train to ride 2 stops or walking it ourselves. Well, it was nice out, so, armed with 2 cell phones equipped with GPS, we headed out into the sunshine. I have got to assume that seeing us was hilarious to anyone else. Picture us both with our phones held out, slowly spinning in circles trying to figure out which direction is northeast. What am I, Magellan? Give me directions I can use!

Eventually we decided on the correct direction and arrived during the 1st quarter. The Celtics proceeded to build a 22 point lead, which had fallen slightly to 17 at the start of the 4th. Then, things went terribly wrong for an extended period of time. They missed pretty much every shot they took while LeBron must have turned on some cheat code and hit the turbo button to run by everyone on the court several times. Eventually, Ray Allen remembered that basketball games are 4 quarters and not 3, sunk a huge shot and the C's hung on for the win. I am pretty sure that I almost had a nervous breakdown during the game. Thanks guys.

Now, Kathryn and I didn't eat lunch before the game, so by the time it was over we definitely needed some food. According to her iPhone, The Four's was close to our location and only in the $$ range, so we walked over and hoped for a table. Hooray! We beat the rush. Seriously. By the time our burgers came, the place that was empty when we sat down was completely full.

I got something called The Frenchie, which had some crazy garlic sauce and brie cheese with onion straws. Important advice for the future: brie is not a good cheese for burgers. Most of mine had melted off and ended up in my pile of fries. Plus they overcooked it. It would appear that the good folks at The Four's attended the same culinary school as those at Fitzwilly's. Anyway, the whole thing looked like this. You can see the cheese in between the burger and the fries, where it does not belong.

On the plus side, that little pot there was filled with delicious baked beans that could give the Dias Baked Beans a run for their money if The Four's ever figures out to throw some bacon in there. Also, those fries were pretty good as well. Not pictured are the Buffalo Chicken Nachos, which may be one of the top 10 appetizers of all time.

I would give the meal overall a positive review, because the whole was more than the sum of its parts. Some day I'll find that perfect burger, but today was definitely not that day.

-Jon