The First Fast Food Appearance

It's no secret that I am a fan of The Big Lebowski. Hell, I went as Jesus Quintana for Halloween. So the fact that In-N-Out Burger is mentioned in the film meant that if I ever had the opportunity, I had to get a burger there. Now, since for the first 25 years of my life the farthest west I had ever travelled was the Gulf coast of Florida, and since In-N-Out Burger is primarily located on the west coast, I didn't expect the chance. However, the trip to San Diego last spring changed that, and I was a huge fan.

Fast forward to Vegas, and at about 6:34 am on Saturday morning I get a text from Jenny of a picture of In-N-Out Burger. At this point, my lunch (which ended up being breakfast) was planned. There isn't really anything to say about it; if you've had one, you know it's good stuff. Plus, there is a guy who runs potatoes through some kind of crazy fry-making machine all day and that is just hilarious.

Also, this will probably be the only burger from a fast food chain that makes this blog. Unless I find a Fatburger somewhere, which gets eaten strictly because of a Notorious B.I.G. reference. I am highly suggestible.

-Jon

3 Days, 3 Burgers

Now, our original plan for Thursday was to go to ESPNZone, but they don't take reservations and we were somewhat pressed for time so we ended up at Planet Hollywood based on the fact that it was the first restaurant I saw and I am loud.

I am not positive, but I believe my love of bacon has been well documented at this point, so it was a no brainer to order the BBQ Bacon Cheeseburger. James also went the same route, but as we will see later, his performance could use a little work.

Planet Hollywood may in fact be the longest restaurant in the entire world. I am pretty sure that we needed to use a GPS to get ourselves out of there by the end, but I may be mistaken because I was still high on bacon. And some crazy drink called a Cool Runnings (yeah, all the drinks are named after movies, but that was the only one that involved bobsleds) which was loaded with 151 and probably the greatest drink ever made.

I would definitely recommend that burger, but I would not recommend cutting it in half to eat if you are a man. Real men eat burgers the way God intended. As soon as you've picked it up, you eat until the whole thing is gone. Cutting burgers in half is weak. Obviously, someone who ordered the BBQ Bacon burger cut it in half. I am not sure who though. . .

-Jon

Jimmy Would Not Approve

After a day spent almost entirely walking and drinking (James and I had our first beer at about 12:01 pm), we headed for Margaritaville for dinner. This later became a recurring joke for the rest of the week, but that is not the focus here. The first thing I learned was that mixing an NSAID with a day of drinking makes me a whole lot more twitchy than usual, and also keeps me from enjoying an alcoholic beverage while waiting for a table. But, like a true soldier, I managed to overcome the synergistic effects and get my Red Stripe on with the burger.

Speaking of which, if you call your burger the Cheeseburger in Paradise, you had damn well better be sure you know the song. Especially if you are serving a crazy customer (I am in that category). If the song claims the burger has an onion slice, and you serve the burger without an onion slice, people (me) may be upset. Fortunately, they did have Heinz 57 and French fried potatoes, so at least they paid some attention. And that 57 sauce is pretty good. We'll have to acquire some for the new pad.

Other than failing to actually follow the lyrics, the burger was good. I would eat more of them, but not in Vegas since there were way more awesome burgers to follow. On the plus side, James passed out at the table and there were several balloon hats around, and that's some amusing stuff. And the next day, the burgers started to really pick up.

-Jon

Airport Burgers < Normal Burgers

So this was probably my fault for expecting more from an airport restaurant, but Chili's Mushroom Swiss Burgers pales in comparison to the Swissroom Burger. Now, this was obviously going to be the case, but I had higher hopes for Chili's.

The first sign that something was up was when Jen and I ordered a Boston Lager and the waitress brought us Foster's. Now, Foster's sounds similar to Boston, especially when you don't really speak English (like our waitress), but c'mon now. Does anyone even drink Foster's? I believe my response to the appearance of said beer was that it was "Australian for crap*." Eventually this situation was rectified, with normal Sam Adams beer replacing that sham of a beverage.

The burger itself wasn't bad. It wasn't good either. It just. . . was. I literally remember nothing remarkable about it. Now that may be because of the dramamine, but I am going with a rather disappointing burger night. Luckily there was burger brilliance to follow!

-Jon

*If you are one of the 6 people in the world who like Foster's, my apologies. Not about what I said, but about your horrendous choice of beers.

Burgers in Vegas

So apparently there is a huge supply of burger variety in Las Vegas, because I ate 5 of them in the last week. I am also far too lazy to write about it at the moment, so just imagine what I would write until I get motivated.

-Jon

Fourth Time's the Charm

Probably my favorite place that I currently know of for burgers is R.F. O'Sullivan & Son in Somerville, located in one of the more sketchy parts of Somerville. How can you tell the level of sketchiness? There is a Star Market across the street. If you don't know that Star Market is about as sketchy a grocery store as you can find, you have lead a sheltered life. And that's coming from a townie.

R.F. O'Sullivan is the tiniest imaginable restaurant. And that's unfortunate because they have some of the greatest burgers around. These burgers are huge. Like half a pound huge. Each one is approximately one quarter of the space in the restaurant, which is why it was so difficult to acquire one this weekend.

Now, the tale of failure that preceded our burgers is one that is too sad and painful to related, but the short version is that after 3 attempts to get burgers on Sunday evening, we were forced to return to Alex's kitchen and cook our own. Well, Alex cooked them; the rest of us sat on the couch.

But there is a happy ending!! Monday we made a final attempt at giant burger-y goodness and were handsomely rewarded for our efforts. Alex, Erica, Leah and I went just after noon for lunch burgers, and got the 2nd to last available table. And it's a good thing we went then, because about 20 minutes later the place was completely packed and people were waiting in the entrance, just dreaming about the burgers they could not yet eat and tortured by everyone else's burgers as they were carried past. I think I may have seen one man break down in tears.

I went for the Swissroom Burger, with some sauteed onions and a tomato on it. And it was amazing, as it always is. I suspect I could eat one every day and still feel the same excitement until I exploded in a burger filled mess. It's that good. Possibly the Greatest Burger Ever? Only time will tell. . .

-Jon

The Longest Named Burger

I am not sure that snowboarding is the easiest sport to begin with, but it's definitely a bit more difficult if you're already hurt.  But that shouldn't stop you, like it didn't (completely) stop me.  At least it didn't until I ended up on a blue trail that I had no business attempting.

After that, it was time for a little break, which ended up being a long break with a bunch of beers and eventually a cheeseburger.  But not just any cheeseburger.  A cheeseburger with probably the longest name I have ever seen on a single menu item.  And that was before the description, which ironically ended up being shorter than burger's name.  The burger?  The smoked bacon and maine pineland farms onion and garlic jack cheese cab burger.  Which of course I ordered by its full name, much to the amusement of the bartender.  That burger was fantastic.  It was also massive, and oddly shaped.  I would have to say it was about the same size and shape as a 3 by 5 index card.  The bun was not quite as large though, which made things a bit messy.

I'll probably eat another one tomorrow, after I've finished destroying my knee.

-Jon

This was actually yesterday. . .

Skiing weekend is here!  Technically this is not true since I am actually (attempting) snowboarding, but close enough.  In yet another example of how my life always works itself out, I went from having to drive myself to having a ride with Scott and Amy (and their friend Krystoff) so my life became 100% easier.

Since we were going to Sunday River (in Maine), and Maine is really far away, we decided that we should probably get some food first.  Also, we were taking a really crazy Maine route, which meant that not only were we going to Maine, the land that Massachusetts gave up, we were going to get there by going through Vermont and New Hampshire, 2 places that barely qualify as states.  Clearly food was necessary.

Krystoff was a big fan of Northampton, so upon his word we went over to The Dirty Truth.  They had a lot of beer.  They did not have many burgers on their menu.  This is an unfortunate combination, because I really like the first fact, but the second makes me a little sad.  Fortunately, they did have the option of eating a cheeseburger, so that was enough for me.

That burger was a mystery.  It seemed like it was going to be really good, despite the lack of tomatoes (Melissa and Jen would have enjoyed it).  The thing was cooked to the correct level, there were some crazy chive-like things inside it, and it was at least a full inch thick.  This still wasn't enough, because even all that wasn't enough to make the burger memorable.  Even worse, Paradise City is almost literally across the street, so I would choose that place instead 10 times out of 10.

On the other hand, the ridiculously large selection of beers nearly made up for the burger non-quality.  Weyerbacher Smoked Charlie and Victory Harvest Pilsner are both beers I would definitely have again.  Too bad I'll have to get them at another restaurant.

-Jon

It's the cheese that does it. . .

It's pretty much a guarantee that a burger from a chain place will be pretty good, but not as good as one from a small place. With that in mind, we headed out to Paradise City Tavern in Northampton in a quest for burgers. And beer. I mean, come on, it's got tavern right in the title!

Those were some quality burgers. I went for the Bacon Cheddar Cheeseburger since I have a strong tendency to prefer burgers with bacon. And that was a good choice. There was some kind of super thick bacon (possibly Applewood smoked bacon if that's a brand name?) which you really can't go wrong with. Plus it had lettuce, tomato and red onion (vastly superior to boring old white onions) so I could pretend it was healthy. However, the best idea was using cheddar cheese, which is highly underrated in the cheese department due to the monopoly that American cheese has in people's minds. The fries were also pretty good, even though we seemed to get the dregs and I had to eat them with a fork, like a Frenchman*.

Melissa and Nicole also opted for the Bacon Cheddar Cheeseburger even though they both compromised it with what I can only assume is female silliness. Perhaps Melissa can be forgiven for taking the tomatoes off, but there is no excuse for switching to a whole wheat bun. The original bun was their signature bun! It even said so on the menu!! How can you argue with that? Nicole, on the other hand, got a turkey burger instead. Really? A turkey burger? Did I pull a Rip Van Winkle and sleep until Thanksgiving? I expect better things of her in the future.

In other news, Rogue Hazelnut Brown Ale and Troeggs Nugget Nectar are both beers I would try again. Especially the Rogue, since I seem to have a strange affinity for brown ales.

-Jon

*I actually have no idea how French people eat fries. I just thought it sounded funny.