Now We're Getting Somewhere

I have heard rumours that today was the summer solstice, which I think makes it fitting that dinner tonight was burgers. Everyone associates burgers with summer. Well, a lot of people do. I obviously associate burgers with all the time. The only bad time for a cheeseburger is right after you've eaten cheeseburgers, because you don't want to ruin your enjoyment of the next burger by being full.

We had some Randall's Summer Sliders, although again, I am fairly certain you could eat them at any point in the year and still have a nice meal. Stop trying to pigeonhole my burgers!! I decided to keep it low-key and only had 3. A burger, some good American cheese, a couple slices of tomato and some sauteed onions makes a nice meal. We also had some baked beans which were leftover from some dinner Mom helped out at. It was probably volunteer work, but it would seem that they decided to pay her in beans because her fridge has somewhere around 20-25 servings of beans at this point. It was pretty crazy.

The burgers were nicely cooked and quite delicious. The beans were so-so, and I attribute that to the fact that they have probably been reheated multiple times now. Eventually that has to take a toll on the flavor and quality. These are some good lessons for Future Jon to learn.

Another good lesson is that if you are going to chop up onions and also slice watermelon, it's a good idea to either do the watermelon first or use a different cutting board. Otherwise you end up with what I did today and get an onion-flavored slice of watermelon. A watermelonion if you will. And those are not two great tastes that taste great together.

Actually, I guess that a watermelonion would be an onion that tasted like watermelon. Perhaps I will have to come up with a better name. That's a lot of creativity for one day though. . .

-Jon

Happy Father's Day. . . Again

It turns out that I named last year's post the same thing, so I had to fake a little creativity. Plan on this being a recurring trend if I happen to eat burgers on holidays every year. Maybe I could get a Thanksgiving burger. . .

I could pretty much just repeat the exact same post and have most of it be true. But I wouldn't do that because that is just some lazy writing. I have a reputation to uphold. Instead, I'll add some extra stories in which I embarrass myself!

Ok, the burgers were the same ones as last year. Well, not literally because the meat would have gone bad long before today, but they were the same Big Y patties. This year I believe Dad did the grilling, but they were still nicely cooked and there was still tomato (exciting) and lettuce (not so exciting). This year also featured cantaloupe and a wide variety of mayonnaise-based salads such as macaroni salad, potato salad, and a salad I couldn't be bothered to identify since there was no chance I was eating any of them as mayonnaise is gross. They were good burgers and I was actually successful in eating both of the ones I attempted. This sort of makes up for yesterday's embarrassment. There was also Summer Ale, so I knocked a few of those back as a matter of course. Unfortunately (or possibly fortunately for my liver), I am 89 behind last year's pace. Still easily going to reach a ridiculously high total though, so don't worry yourself about that.

On to the funny stories!!

So yesterday I lost my cheese privileges after slicing my finger open cutting some cheddar for a pre-burger snack. It was still oozing a little this morning, which can't be good. And yes, I realize the irony of writing about food and then immediately following it up with blood. The good news is that Kathryn finished up the cutting and the cheese was delicious, so the only downside was the amount of Band-Aids I'm currently going through.

You ever play FIFA video games? I haven't since 2002, and I now suck at them. Terribly. It's just sad. I can tell you, however, the number of red cards you can get before you forfeit the game. Four is ok, but the fifth one crosses the line. Also, apparently you are not allowed to slide tackle people from behind when they don't have the ball. Sissies.

We also played some basketball in the driveway. Well, my brothers played and I wandered around the court occasionally grabbing a rebound or poking the ball away for a steal. And any time I was on offense, you better believe I was shooting the ball every time I got it. I was like George "Chucker" Costanza. And every single shot, I yelled out "Hand down, man down" like Mark Jackson when he announces the NBA games. It turns out that yelling things is not an effective way to get the ball into the hoop. I learned a lot today.

-Jon

Let's Try Something New

It's actually not really that new, but it's the first time that I've tried it here. Frank's Red Hot Burgers!! It's time to kick things up a little.

We decided to have a little cookout here, so the menu was going to be burgers, hot dogs, baked beans and fries. But not just boring, pre-formed burgers. That would be disgraceful to all the people eating AND the people reading. We got some quality 80/20 meat and made burgers out of that. I also seasoned them with a little salt, pepper, garlic powder and onion powder. Hey, if you're going to do burgers, you might as well do them right. Then I formed some lovely burgers and put the little divots in the top to make sure they cook right.

Now for the spice. Kathryn and Matt didn't want any, but Bill and I went with a little Frank's & bleu cheese combination to top the burgers. Then we all used some pepperjack cheese for a little extra zip. Plus we had lettuce and tomato to make everything all fancy. I probably could have taken the burgers off the grill a couple minutes earlier, but all it did was make the cheese melt too much instead of overdoing the meat. I can live with that.

The burgers came out pretty well. And the beans were good as always. The fries were ok, but I guess our oven takes a lot longer to cook them than the package would suggest. It's probably because the oven is lazy. There was actually too much food, so I ended up not finishing the second burger. That makes me a little sad.

I also managed to drop a hot dog on my foot. It turns out that they come off the grill a little hot, which was unpleasant. Apparently I have the only grill that slopes forward. Probably not the greatest design. I need one of those super grills they have on the cooking shows.

-Jon

I Might Be Forgetting Something. . .

I think that there was something major that happened today. . . it seems to have slipped my mind though.

I did, however, eat a cheeseburger for dinner! Kathryn and I went out to a place called Jake's up in Turners Falls for a couple of beers and a little food. I got a Summer Ale because we were eating outside and I couldn't see the taps, so I had to order on instinct. Apparently at this place, a "Big Beer" is just a normal pint, which was only slightly disappointing. I ordered the "Cowboy-up Burger," potentially named after the Red Sox Cowboy Up slogan in days of yore. It was a burger with cheddar cheese, grilled onions, bacon and some BBQ sauce.

It was also clearly one of those pre-made frozen patties that you get by the 40-pack when you are going to have a cookout. No handformed burger has a perfectly cylindrical shape no matter how talented you are. That being said, there is also only one way to cook this type of burger, which is well done. Otherwise it's still pretty much frozen. This ended up meaning that when the waitress asked me how I wanted the burger cooked, she was just wasting my time and hers. Silly woman.

Also, if I order a second Summer Ale, I do not mean that I want a Steel Rail. That was Kathryn's beer. Get with the program!

The actual burger itself was terrible, but the overall burger was pretty good. You can chalk that up to the bacon and BBQ sauce. They were both well above average. I think it might have something to do with the fact that there were at least 3 slices of bacon, which is more than you usually get at a restaurant. Good work, Jake.

Now, what else happened yesterday of note? Huh, how strange that I don't recall.

-Jon

That Was a Rainy Day

A lot of things happened today, so hopefully I don't forget any of them.

I woke up at a ridiculously early time (for a normal person), so I figured I might as well go for a little run. Good thing I did, because other than that run and a quick trip to the gym, I spent the rest of the day eating in a terribly unhealthy fashion. Actually, I ate a little fruit, but I am not sure that it counteracts everything else I did. Sorry, stomach.

I started off the day by going over to Kathryn's cousin's graduation party. This party had the interesting characteristic of being both BYOB (understandable due to it being a high school graduation party) and BYOC(hair). That 2nd one is just strange. Luckily for me, Kathryn knows all about chair acquisition, so I took care of the B and she took care of the C. Even the rain wasn't able to ruin the party due to the presence of a nice tent. And also of cheeseburgers, which I know is the only reason you're here.

I decided to try something new and exciting, so I took my burger and topped it with the BBQ baked beans. I also filled my plate up with them. Those were some quality beans! The BBQ Baked Bean Burger may have to may an appearance on the menu at Burger Bros, because it was delicious. So delicious, in fact, that it made up for the fact that the burger was pretty much as well done as it could be while still being called a burger. I should have asked for the recipe to add to our bean & chili menu. Besides the burger and beans, I also had a plate of fruit, some sweet & sour kielbasa, two of those little brownies with the white chocolate chips you can get a Big Y in the brownie platter, and 3 Magic Hat Wackos. Can you handle that?

After that, I may or may not have gone with Kathryn over to the mall to buy candles. My memory is fuzzy on this topic.

And what day is complete with only one party? Not this one, because it was then time to head over to Steve's surprise 28th party, where the shenanigans and beer were plentiful. And also the burgers. And hot dogs. And taco dip. And Doritos. And a handful of Summer Ales. Ok, so there was a lot of food here too. I ate another burger along with about infinity tortilla chips. My goal was to eat all of the taco dip, but other people were eating it too and I had to settle for as much as possible. I will have to make myself a plate of it some day and just go to town.

Both burgers were ok by burger standards, but there was nothing spectacular. Well, nothing other than my baked bean idea for the future. That is a good plan.

However, there were lots of hilarious stories to relate. Here they are, in no particular order.

• Dave threw at least 18 empty beer bottles into the pool. If you don't know why that's funny, then you probably don't know that most beer bottles will get mostly filled with water, then turn vertical and bob around the pool.
• I found golf clubs and attempted to chip a ping-pong ball into a beer cup. So close, and yet so far. I guess I should have stuck to golf.
• Jen had a bucket of small rubber duckies. No, I don't know why. Nicole and I took a bunch of them and hid them around her house. I think she still hasn't found the last 4.
• After Jen recovered the majority of the ducks, someone took the entire bucket of them and put them all over her car. Ok, it was me. I may refer to her car as the Duckmobile for the foreseeable future.
• Geoff "iced" Steve. This is the first time I've seen this in person.

So it turns out that even though we are all 28 or turning 28, we still haven't grown up. Well, most of us haven't. Growing up is highly overrated.

-Jon

It's Finally Done

As long as people have known about this blog, people have asked me if I've ever been to White Hut. Sadly, I have been ashamed by this question the entire time, as I had never been there despite the constant recommendations. Even more sadly, I have been right near it on several occasions and just not gone. I am a terrible cheeseburger person.

Until now!

Today I decided that since I was already going to be across the street from the White Hut and it was practically the definition of lunchtime (just past noon), I had to do it. Not just for myself or my pride, but for the dedicated readers of this site.

Holy crap is that place popular. I think they probably served 25 burgers and dogs in the time I was sitting there. This is more impressive after you read the next paragraph.

If you've never been there, it's going to be tough to believe me, but this is all true. There are roughly 10 seats in the place. Not tables. Seats. As in, 10 people can sit down in this restaurant. There is also a standing table if you are in that sort of mood. We are talking about a place that makes R.F. O'Sullivan feel like the Boston Garden. They also had 5 people working behind the counter in roughly the same sized area as my bathroom. I bet they are either really good friends, or after each day of work, they just close the doors, pull down the blinds, and beat the shit out of each other.

There is no menu, as the options are burger, cheeseburger, double burger, double cheeseburger, hot dog, and possibly double hot dog. I am not sure if that last one is real, and I am not sure how it would work. It doesn't matter though, because hot dogs are stupid. I bet you could also get a triple or quadruple cheeseburger if you asked nicely. They didn't seem too strict there.

I went with a cheeseburger, fries and a root beer (from Stewart's, which brought back all sorts of ridiculous college memories). I also topped it with fried onions, tomato and ketchup. Hey, I was overwhelmed when she asked me what I wanted, and the place was filled with people. I panicked. Next time I am going to get a cheeseburger topped with fried onions, tomato, another onion and also another cheeseburger. Yeah, that's right. A cheeseburger inside a cheeseburger, like one of those crazy Russian dolls.

The burger lived almost up to all the hype. To have actually reached the hype, it would have had to be not only delicious (which it was), but also run across the street to buy me a T-shirt from Modell's and then drive me home while giving me a foot rub. Needless to say, this place has possibly been over-hyped to me. I guess that is what happens when you are the only one that people know who has a website entirely dedicated to cheeseburgers. I imagine something similar will happen if I ever make it over to Mr Bartley's in Harvard Square. Stop pressuring me, people!!

-Jon

This Is Not About Shot-a-palooza

I know that this burger was eaten on the same day as Shot-a-palooza, and I know that you probably would rather hear all the funny stories that happened, but it's just not going to happen. I don't think that these stories need to be immortalized on the web forever on a low-quality cheeseburger blog. Some of the people involved may need to get jobs someday, and these stories could compromise their hire-ability. You can thank me later.

Instead you get to hear some less funny stories about our trip to Ruby Tuesday. Still funny though.

My original plan was to have some pasta for dinner, but when I was offered the chance at a burger, I decided to take it. First off, our waiter talked way too quietly pretty much every time he was at the table. I had to base everything I said to him off of what other people said. Oh, Mom's ordering a water, so he must be asking if we want drinks. Why can't that guy just talk like a normal person?

I am not exactly sure what Mom got, but it included the salad bar. The only problem was that the guy either didn't tell her to head over to it, or he told her but said it super-quietly and she didn't hear it. Either way, she did not think that she should go up there, even though she was obviously allowed to as it was part of the order. Salad bar: 1, Mom: 0.

I went with the Boston Blue Burger because I wanted to make sure I didn't eat the exact same burger as last time and also because Matt ordered the Smokehouse Burger and I didn't want to be a copycat. It has onion rings, blue cheese, Boston barbecue sauce, lettuce, tomato, red onion and, unnecessarily, pickles. I forgot to check for those little dill bastards, so I ended up being slightly upset later. I really have to start reading the menu more carefully when I go places. On a positive note, I actually remembered to take a picture this time. Well, not so much remembered as was reminded, but either way, the picture happened. See?

And you guessed it; that's some Tabasco ketchup there in the middle. It also turns out that Ruby Tuesday has unlimited fries, but I didn't try to take advantage of that because I didn't want to have a full stomach for the evening's festivities.

That burger was pretty good! And it was actually cooked correctly again!! Maybe all these restaurants are reading these stories and realizing that medium-rare does not mean well done. Or maybe I've just been getting lucky lately.

After we ate, we ran over to Ocean State (which is apparently the unofficial thing to do after eating a Ruby Tuesday). As I was wearing a Lacoste shirt I got from Dad, I am almost positive that the most expensive thing in the store became my shirt as soon as I walked in the door. Take that, Ocean State!

You should ask some people about stories from Shot-a-palooza II. It was legen. . . wait for it. . . dary.

-Jon

Now We're Talking

It probably be seems like Mmmm, Burgers is off to a slower start in 2010 than it was in 2009, but that is only if you look at the numbers and see that I am only on pace for 60 burger stories this year compared to the 73 from last year. However, you may also realize that I have posted 5 times in the past 2 weeks, which extrapolates to 130 stories in a year as well as a dangerously increased level of cholesterol and, presumably, some serious extra poundage.

Oh well, I do it for the readers.

Tonight was burgers at Mom & Chuck's newly updated kitchen, which has been several months in the making. They have a crazy new stove that scares me because it apparently gets super hot and will probably injure me severely at some point in the not-too-distant future. Stay tuned for that story, either here or at Mmmm, Opinions.

We had regular burgers (with cheese added later due to a slight oversight on Chuck's part) with the options of bacon, stealth onions or mushrooms. I passed on the stealth onions because I thought that onions would be an option later. I turned out to be wrong there. I also put the mushrooms on the side, as I have had some troubles recently with those sneaky fungi escaping from my burger. So pretty much my burger was a standard bacon cheeseburger. Hey, not everything needs to be an elaborate creation!

Aw crap! I forgot to take a picture again. I am really a disappointment, both to myself and my family.*

The burger was pretty good. A bit overcooked for my liking, but not to the charcoal briquet level. I only had one because it turns out that I am actually very fat and need to lose 15-50 lbs. The doctor suggested the first amount, but that sounds pretty half-assed to me. Now obviously, I will fail in this endeavor, but at least I have an excuse not to eat food I don't like.

-Jon

* - I am not sure that my family is disappointed in me, but I have to assume they are.