It's Like a Time Warp

But not like that really weird song from whatever movie it was in that some group of seniors did a wacky dance to in one of the Senior Shows, possibly '06. Yeah, that was a strange opening to this post.

Kathryn and I went back to the Gill Tavern, much as I stated I would do given the opportunity. Unfortunately, we were unable to get a table this time. However, we were able to sit at the bar, which means we didn't drive the whole 15 minutes to get there for nothing. Sitting at the bar has the added advantage of letting us talk to the cook/chef, which possibly got us our food faster. I am not sure if there is a difference between a cook and a chef, but I bet there is and I bet it's related to those awesome hats the Swedish Chef wears.

I obviously went with the burger again, but this time I got bacon on it in addition to my cheddar cheese, lettuce, tomato and onion. I also got more Pied pIPA, even though my glass clearly says "Farmer Brown" on it. See? I made a point of turning the pint glass so that you could see the false advertising.

This time I made sure to let the meat juice soak into the bun before I started eating it, and it made all the difference. The burger was cooked nicely again, although Kathryn noticed that it wasn't perfectly pink like last time. It was still pretty pink, and it was nice and juicy, which is all that really matters. That's the real reason I don't like well-done burgers: they are just way too dry. Well, that and they taste like charcoal mixed with feet.

There was no apple crisp this time, so we passed on dessert and then went home so I could drink my nice bottle of Lefty's Irish-Style Stout while listening to the calming snores of two sleepy pugs. What a life.

-Jon

I Am a Pig

After last night's rehearsal dinner, where I may have spent a good deal of my time drinking too much white wine, we went back to the hotel for a nice little gathering. Well, not so much little as "too big for hotel security's liking." It was also a roaming party whose location moved across a few different rooms. So the end result was that maybe I had a couple extra cocktails over the amount I should have had.

And the end result of that is that I was not really in the mood for breakfast during the 7-10am window that the hotel had its complimentary continental breakfast. But I was in the mood for breakfast at noon. Unfortunately, I did not have a car and I did not have any idea where to go. Cue Melissa! Melissa had both a car and a phone that let me shake it until it told me places to eat in the immediate area. And then somehow I messed that up by picking a place and then forgetting what I had picked, which meant that even though it was my choice, breakfast was a surprise to me.

We went to a place called Raff's, and I got the grilled meatloaf special. Yup, apparently meatloaf is an appropriate breakfast food. Hey, it worked for me.

Now, I told you that story so I could tell you this one, since that first part isn't burger related at all. You would think that a big meatloaf breakfast would be enough until the wedding, but nope. About 2 hours later, it was time for lunch. This time, I was ready for a burger. Kathryn didn't care where we went as long as she didn't have to drive, so I decided to go to a restaurant we had passed that morning called Archie's Place.

Sadly, my phone was being disagreeable and had not maintained its charge, so I couldn't take a picture of the giant burger that I ordered. I got the Chili Cheeseburger, which obviously had chili and shredded cheese on top of the huge burger. There was also lettuce, tomato and onion, presumably because there needed to be some kind of vegetable to go along with the absurd amount of meat.

The burger was good, but not great. I am not sure how it happened, but the inside of the burger was cooked perfectly medium rare, and the outside was burnt a little. That's just weird. Other than that, the rest of the meal was good. This place also gave me a giant pile of fries, and they were pretty good. Just far too numerous. On the downside, our waitress kind of sucked. Chances are that if you don't really like people, a customer service-related job is probably not the one for you.

Now it's time to get ready for the actual wedding, where I will presumably eat another giant meal. Congratulations, Steve and Maura!

-Jon

A Fun Time in the Rain

With Steve and Maura's rehearsal dinner scheduled for Friday night, it was time to head out east to get ourselves situated at the world's most hidden Comfort Suites. Since Kathryn was working, I rode up with Beth, Mike and Jimmy in what can only be described as "The Biggest Mistake Beth Has Ever Made." I don't think that she will ever be willing to drive the 3 of us anywhere in the near future. Especially not on a long trip in the rain.

Some time around Worcester, we needed to stop so that Mike could pee, Beth could get coffee and Jimmy could throw up in the parking lot at Barnes & Noble. And I got a hot chocolate, because I didn't want to get left out. In case you were wondering, the Barnes & Noble in Random Shopping Plaza, Worcester looks a lot nicer than the one near the Holyoke Mall. You know, minus the vomit in the parking lot.

As we were leaving, Mike and I noticed that there was a Five Guys in roughly the same plaza, so we stopped there (since it's supposed to be pretty good) instead of going to McDonald's (since it's gross). I was glad, because I was super hungry and also have been told on numerous occasions that I need to go there. Well, this trip fixed both of those issues.

The first thing I thought when I walked in was that this place is a lot like In-N-Out Burger. That's probably because they have a similar ordering system and a whole lot of red around the place. I decided to get the Bacon Cheeseburger, since you have to go all out on your first trip to a new place. I also wanted to get a good idea of how the burger itself is, so I only got tomato, grilled onions and jalapeños for toppings. They have a whole bunch of other toppings as well, but I didn't want to overdo things.

Pleasant surprise number 1: the burgers are automatically double cheeseburgers. I was not expecting that. Pleasant surprise number 2: these things come with an incredibly large amount of cheese. There was cheese everywhere!! Pleasant surprise number 3: the jalapeños are the bright green fresh ones, not the olive green jarred ones. That's some good stuff right there.

The burger was great! I am glad there is another Five Guys fairly close by so that I can go again and try some crazy new burger combination. They also give you way more fries than any normal person needs to try to eat in one sitting. I didn't find the fries to be that delicious though, so having 3 servings worth of them wasn't a major selling point with me. I'll stick to just the giant burger next time.

-Jon

Better Luck This Time

After our last attempt to visit the Gill Tavern failed miserably and resulted in my cheese-less cheeseburger, Kathryn and I decided to give it another go. This time was much more successful, and resulted not only in a tasty burger, but also a delicious new beer. It's win-win!

The Gill Tavern is super tiny, so it's probably a good idea to call ahead or go on a non-popular dinner night like Wednesday. That way you might actually get a table. Kathryn told me that it used to be a general store long ago, so it looks like a little house. Except that it's a house with a giant kitchen and a bar. So it's like a Portuguese house.

I decided to get the Grilled Local Beef Burger, with cheddar cheese. Luckily, it actually came with cheese, so I won't have to flip out. See? Clearly there is cheese here.

There's also lettuce, tomato and onion. And some kind of weird roll. The roll wasn't great, but the rest of the burger was delicious. Actually, the roll almost ruined things for me until the juice from the burger soaked into it. Then it became pretty good. The burger was also cooked nicely, with a lovely pink color. There were also delicious fries, although they called them potato wedges. And they claimed they were roasted, so I guess they weren't technically fries. It doesn't matter; the point is, the burger and "potato wedges" were both great.

Then we had apple crisp for dessert. It was also pretty good. Overall, the Gill Tavern is a place I would visit again. If I can get a table.

-Jon

Another One Bites the Dust?

As we are rapidly approaching Steve and Maura's wedding, the time had come for that ever-present male ritual of the bachelor party. For this one, the plan was to go down to Foxwoods (which actually ended up changing to going down to Mohegan Sun, which is ok because they are really close to each other). And once we got down there, it was very clearly time for dinner, because by the time we got to Mohegan Sun, my entire day's food consumption was 1 plum and 4 beers. You can tell this is the beginning of an epic night.

But you don't get to read about it, because if you aren't part of the bachelor party, then the events of the bachelor party technically never happened. Or if you're Steve's cousin, Jimmy, who may have blacked out in which case he really doesn't know what happened.

We had dinner at Margaritaville because that's where Steve wanted to go, and he was in charge of the decision making. Remembering my last trip to a Margaritaville (which was in Las Vegas), I knew NOT to get the Cheeseburger in Paradise because I would only be disappointed. Instead, I decided on the Barbecue Bacon Cheeseburger. Actually, a lot of us decided on that one. It was easily the most popular meal choice.

And it was delightful! That was some good BBQ sauce, and there was quite a bit of bacon. And, probably most importantly, it was actually medium rare. Perfectly cooked, I would say. And they also have good fries.

After dinner, I lost some money playing various games, and then sat in the racebook yelling at horses and drinking for free. I would say that it was a good night.

-Jon

Home Cooking Is the Solution

The solution to what? To not having the cheese left off your burger. Because that is truly an almost unforgivable offense. Sort of like being a Jets fan.

It was burger night over at Mom and Chuck's, and they were burgers hand-made out of ground beef. That's generally going to give you the best burger, although I think they need to be seasoned a little more before they hit the grill. I put a little bit of garlic salt on them, but it wasn't quite enough. I'll be tweaking my seasoning attempts whenever people aren't paying attention over there, which is frequently.

The burgers came out nicely, with a lovely pink hue. And, far more importantly, mine had cheese on it! And also onions and tomatoes. But the main focus is the cheese. This blog could have been more appropriately titled Mmmm, cheeseburgers, but that was too long. We also had tater tots like it was middle school, fries, salad and zucchini. One of those things definitely does not fit in with the rest of the meal.

For the humourous part of this story, Odin had to spend the meal outside on the deck being sad because he doesn't know how to behave himself around Patches. He's like Jojo the Indian circus boy with a pretty new pet. And Chloe spent part of it sitting on the single step up into the kitchen, and crying because apparently it was too high for her to climb down. Pugs: nature's joke.

-Jon

Seriously?

Since we couldn't go to the restaurant we planned on going to for dinner because apparently having 7 tables isn't enough on a Friday night, Kathryn and I went to Hope and Olive instead, already knowing that they have good food. And also knowing that they have a good selection of beers on tap, which meant that I could try something new. There was plenty of time to savor a new beer too, because this place was also packed. However, they have a more normal number of tables, so the wait was only 30 minutes instead of an hour and 45 minutes.

I had intended on eating something different, but eventually I ended up going with the burger because it's been a while since I've had one. Tonight I chose cheddar cheese, tomato, onion and avocado as my toppings. That doesn't seem like an especially complicated burger, so at no point in time did I expect them to screw it up.

Boy, was I wrong.

They forgot the cheese. They. Forgot. The. Cheese! That's literally the most important part of a cheeseburger!! I've eaten burgers that were burger, cheese, bun and that's it, and they've been enjoyable. The cheese is key. Do you see any cheese here?

No. No cheese. Also, and this is a distant second in things to complain about, the burger was cooked right but somehow still really dry. I am not sure how a burger can be medium rare and also be dry, but they pulled it off. That's not nearly as disappointing as the missing cheese thing though.

On the plus side, the fries at this place are fantastic, and you get approximately 14 lbs of them. Avocado is also a delicious addition to a burger. I thought I had said that before, but it wasn't a tag yet so I can't go back and figure out whether or not it's the case. Well, it's not so much "can't" as "won't," but I'm not going to split hairs here. Oh, and they have good pickles. Sadly, they only give you 3 little slices instead of the number I want, which is like 25.

I won't write Hope and Olive off completely, since I have had a fantastic burger there before. I am going to put them on notice though. Another incident like tonight, and they are off the dinner rotation. That's a pretty serious threat coming from a guy without a full-time job, let me tell you.

-Jon

A Missed Opportunity

I'll be kicking myself for this later.

Also, this will not be a long story.

We had burgers and chouriça for dinner at Dad and Kelly's tonight, and I didn't think of making a chouriça burger until after I had already eaten. That would have been a crazy burger! It would have also been huge, which people seem to like nowadays in their burgers. I was somewhere (maybe HCC?) and they had a poster showing the average size of a meal at a restaurant next to what would actually be considered a serving size, and the "real" serving size was like half of what you'd expect. That is probably not good for the health of America. It could also explain why I'm fat.

Sadly, the chouriça burger will have to wait until some mysterious future date. Someone will probably have to remind me about this idea next time it becomes an option, because there is a 99.99% chance that I'm going to forget. Kind of like I continually forget to take pictures of my burgers. Tonight's burger was good though. It deserved a picture just because it was cooked nicely. I really need to start writing myself little notes, since apparently I am already suffering from the symptoms of old age.

What was I saying?

-Jon

Kim's Potential New Career?

Since lots of people were going to be around for Steve and Maura's Jack & Jill party Friday night, Jen scheduled a cookout for this afternoon. Actually, I was informed that Kim was actually the "organizer," except that she didn't plan the menu, or bring the beer, or do the cooking. Perhaps her idea to become an event planner should be put on hold temporarily.

Also, I won 3 raffle prizes at the Jack & Jill, bringing my total raffle prizes won lifetime to 4. The best prize was probably the grill plus friends set, which had a grill, grill tools, 22 spices, some towels, 2 cookbooks and possibly a couple other things that I forgot. I also won 2 beer-themed prizes. Score.

Now on to the cookout. I went with another triple-cheese burger, but I'm not sure which 3 cheeses it was this time. I am sure of American and provolone, but the 3rd one is a mystery. Last time it was Swiss cheese, but I don't think it was this time. My money is on cheddar. There was also tomato, which I was forced to cut using a paring knife. Have you ever tried cutting a tomato with a paring knife instead of something useful? I don't recommend it. Those slices were horribly uneven. I am actually a little embarrassed.

At least the burger was good. It seems that the more cheese options you have, the better the burger. I am pretty sure that there has to be a cap somewhere, because eventually there's going to be too much cheese. However, the limit is definitely not 3. I am excited to try the rarely mentioned quadruple-cheese burger in the near future.

Also, I was peer pressured into registering the name for Mmmm, Beers. You may be wondering why it's Mmmm, Beers and not Mmmm, Beer. Well, you can ask the douchebag who already took Mmmm, Beer and did absolutely nothing with it. Jerk. There's no beer-related content yet (as of this posting), but I'm sure it's only a matter of time. Stay tuned for all sorts of drunken rambling. You'll probably want to bookmark it now.

-Jon

That's a Lot of Spying

I would say that today probably falls into the "not-very-productive" category. I think that possibly the only productive thing I did was to take a shower. So yeah, hooray showers.

USA was showing the entire season of Burn Notice, which seems to be a very popular show with my family. My brothers were watching it here, and then it was also on for the majority of the time when we went over to Dad and Kelly's. At one point I did manage to switch over and watch Harrison Ford abuse some Irish terrorists in Patriot Games, but that was short lived and the spy antics of Michael Westen soon returned. Also, the midseason finale was pretty good. Do you think Michael will survive? (Haha, spoilers are funny.)

Oh, I also ate a steak from Longhorn Steakhouse. Is that place under some kind of renovations? Hasn't it been there for a while? At any rate, it smelled like paint in there. But the steak was tasty, and the baked potato had a perfect amount of butter and sour cream. Maybe not quite as good as Texas Roadhouse, but there also wasn't a 3-hour wait.

And with lunch out of the way, it was back to Burn Notice and then time for burgers! Nothing too fancy, but there was bacon. Burger + Bacon > Burger. Always. That is an incontrovertible fact of burgers. And this burger was also delicious, since it was nice and medium rare. I always say, you need to have someone who understands that burgers shouldn't look like charcoal briquets manning the grill. Only weirdos like well done burgers, and you don't want weirdos at your house.

-Jon

The Tom Petty Concert

After months of anticipation, it was finally time for the Tom Petty & the Heartbreakers concert (featuring Crosby, Stills and Nash as the opening act)!! It was down at whatever they are calling the Meadows these days, which may be something along the lines of Comcast Theater. The concert itself was great, but it definitely reminded me why I stopped going to concerts at this particular venue. This may be true of all outdoor music theaters, but I find the douchebag percentages to be especially high here. Also, I plan on taking my shirt off next time I am at a concert, since apparently that is an appropriate thing to do.

Before the concert, we stopped to pick up Diana and other Jon since it would have been kind of silly to take two cars. Then we decided to get dinner at Chicago Sam's because food is an important part of my daily diet. And also because the concert wasn't for another 3 hours, and we would have been really early otherwise.

There wasn't much of a decision to be made here. The Black & Bleu burger seemed far more awesome than anything else on the menu. I have also determined the secret to the Blackjack Burger's deliciousness. The Blackjack sauce is good stuff, but it's the cajun blackened spices that they put on the burger that really makes it awesome. This burger was also blackened, and was also awesome. It was also cooked perfectly, which I appreciated. Finally, they have some kind of special fries here, so that's also cool. Well done in the burger department!

Not so well done in the wing department. We got some wings for an appetizer, and got half medium and half hot. Alright, I know this isn't Mmmm, Wings, but if you are calling your wings hot, then they had better make my tongue feel a little scorched afterwards. I could have eaten approximately infinity of these without a problem. Don't tell me you have hot wings and then bring me these disasters. And they were dry. Who likes dry wings? Come on Sam, step it up.

Then it was off to the concert. CSN went on right on time, and they played a bunch of stuff (including 3 of Kathryn's favorite songs, played in a row!) for about an hour. Also, David Crosby looks like a cartoon character, but I can't remember which one. Let's just go with Mr Magoo, except that Crosby's not bald.

After they finished, about 47 roadies came out to reset the stage for Tom & Co. This took forever. Like 45 minutes at least. You would have thought they might have practiced this sort of thing. Oh well, eventually it was time to rock. The band was awesome! But wow, white people should probably not dance anymore. I have permanent emotional scars now.

Also, buying a concert ticket does not actually make you part of the band, so maybe you shouldn't stand in front of Kathryn while playing air guitar for the first several songs. She's a nurse, so she could probably figure out a sneaky way to poison you or something. Just saying.

-Jon

Another New Creation

Apparently the yearly custom of celebrating Melissa's and my birthday concurrently has evolved into an annual tradition. This year saw the return of fantastic weather, the switching of a keg of Summer Ale for bottles, and at least 2 more dogs than last year. It also involved me not getting absurdly drunk, so I guess I really am a year older and more mature. That's kind of lame.

The big thing for this year is the creation of a new burger! I haven't come up with a name yet, but hopefully I will by the end of the post. This burger started off as one of those 40-in-a-box frozen travesties, but it evolved into so much more. First I put a slice of American cheese on it, because what's a burger without cheese? It's an embarrassment, that's what. Then I found 2 other kinds of cheese! The American cheese was quickly joined by the politically neutral Swiss cheese and the offensively greasy provolone cheese for a ménage à trois of cheesy goodness. For most people, that would be enough. However, I had been drinking a little, which means that I wasn't done yet.

There was a lovely little tray of taco dip (if you read last year's post, you may have seen that I enjoy taco dip a little bit), so I put some of that on top of the cheese orgy. Great decision. This burger was delightful. Next time you are at a barbecue with taco dip, put some on your burger. You will be glad you did it.

Perhaps the burger will be called the Triple Cheese Fiesta Burger. Something along those lines anyways.

-Jon

In Which I Mix Things Up

Since we didn't do the requisite R.F. O'Sullivan trip on Saturday, our Sunday lunch plans were pretty much set in stone. We couldn't let Erica's friends leave town without having arguably the best burgers in the state. That would just be terrible. The only question was when were we going to go over there. It turns out that 2:00 is a good time if you actually want a seat. I should mark this down for the future.

Since everyone is probably expecting that I will be talking about the Blackjack burger here, the next sentence may come as a bit of a surprise. I ordered the JD Burger instead! I don't want this thing to become too predictable, so I had to mix it up a little. And it was a good choice.

The JD Burger is a very close second to the Blackjack Burger in terms of Massachusetts Burger Greatness. If you don't like spicy stuff and can't handle the pure awesomeness of the Blackjack, you could probably order this burger and walk away fully satisfied. It's got some kick-ass BBQ sauce and cheese along with some standard burger toppings if you want them. Apparently you have to be very specific, because I ordered mine with tomato and onion, but I got this instead.

Call me crazy, but I am almost positive that tomato is not leafy and green. At least I got a bajillion onions, so I wasn't shortchanged there. And the burger was cooked perfectly. Check out all that sweet, sweet burger juice on the plate. That's what you're looking for in a burger. And that sauce was just great. I am surprised that I didn't know how awesome burgers with BBQ sauce were until recently. I guess you really do learn something new everyday.

-Jon

Let's See What I Can Remember

I am back on my bad streak of forgetting to take pictures of my burgers. Good thing I'm not getting paid for this, or else I might get fired from my own blog. That would be ironic.

The first burger of the day was surprisingly not from RF O'Sullivan. That is probably coming tomorrow, so just relax for a little. Change isn't that scary. Well it is for me, but you are more normal.

After my delightful evening at Foxwoods, I was off to Boston for a party. I met up with Alex and company (Erica and her friends Joe and Brenda) during their tour of the Freedom Trail, and we all went to Bell in Hand Tavern for lunch. I decided on the Sam Adams Burger (because anything else would have made me disappointed in myself) and sweet potato fries (because I thought it would be funny to mix things up). It had BBQ sauce, which I certainly hope had Sam Adams as an ingredient, bacon and probably swiss cheese. Or cheddar cheese with holes in it. What is this, Mmmm, Cheese? It was definitely cheese, so let's leave it at that.

What a delightful burger! That BBQ sauce was fantastic, and covered up the flavor of whatever cheese happened to be there. Sadly, this means that there is no easy way to figure out what cheese it actually was. If this thing ever hits the big time, I will have to be slightly more meticulous in my burger documentation. There was also an awesome pickle, which makes me feel worse about the ones I make. Obviously mine still need work. I can't be passing off second-rate pickles on people. The sweet potato fries weren't so good. They were super soggy, which isn't a good quality for fries. I ate them all anyway because I am a champion, and that's what champions do. In your face, crappy fries!!

Post-burger, we wandered around a little more and then eventually caught a taxi back to Alex's because that much walking is unhealthy. Not in the literal sense, but in the sense that the more I walk around, the more likely I am to get hit by a car. We had a few beers, played some Guitar Hero, drank a few more beers and then headed out to the first SWC party that I've attended in a long time. I really don't want to type this, but in the interest of full disclosure I have to say that the theme of the party was Jersey Shore. It's so painful to admit that. I even got my Jersey Shore douche on and rocked a faux-hawk and popped collar. It was a real emotional punch in the crotch. I already have less faith in myself, so you don't need to remind me of this tragedy.

I actually ate another burger at the party, which was one of those surprise burgers that I didn't know was coming. Hooray! Surprise burgers are great!! I went with a burger, which was not one of those pre-frozen abominations, some cheese, tomato, onion and some kind of BBQ sauce that I forgot to identify. It was really good though. I know it definitely had a very elaborate name, but I doubt that knowing that fact would be enough to pick some up at a store. At any rate, the burger ended up being one of the higher quality barbecue burgers I've had in recent memory. Unfortunately, I've been drinking for an extended period of time and my recent memory has been severely compromised. That means that the burger could have been really crappy, and just been better than what I'm used to. That's sad. Oh well; those are the kind of results you get when I eat a lot of burgers in a short period of time while also consuming several alcoholic beverages.

Did I talk about both burgers yet? Hopefully I did, because I am done writing at this point. I hope this post is at least sort of entertaining. Or not. It's all good.

-Jon

The Burger's Just the Beginning

Today was a big day. And since there was a burger involved, you get to hear all about it.

We went out to lunch with Chris because he is not generally home and lunch seemed like a good way to acknowledge his presence. Despite my better judgment, we decided to go to Red Robin. Apparently my family loves that place. As previously promised, I ordered the Banzai Burger to test my new theory of "Meat and Fruit is not that bad." Admittedly, the theory's name could use some work. Give me a break though, as I am not really trying that hard.

The burger has some kind of teriyaki sauce along with slices of pineapple, which means it's like a shish-kebab in burger form. There is also lettuce, tomato and onion, because that seems to be the required topping for all of their burgers. Except for that one with mushrooms, because that would just be weird. I was surprised by how good it was. I probably shouldn't have been after trying that burger at James and Nicole's, but I was still skeptical. Well, call me a convert.

That burger was just the kickoff to a wild and crazy evening. After lunch, I packed up my stuff and got ready to head to the MGM at Foxwoods for the Beach Boys concert with Kathryn, Mom and Chuck. I think that would have been the last thing to ever occur 10+ years ago, but now I am all grown up so it's cool. For some reason, Google Maps decided that the best way to get there would be to go on Route 2, then get off of Route 2 for a little bit, and then immediately get back on Route 2. Jerks. We did end up getting to the hotel easily after that, with no major problems other than my newfound lack of respect for Google.

Alright, check into the hotel, change clothes and then off to MGM, right? Wrong! The hotel shuttle was actually a limo, so we got the last 4 spots and got ready to leave. The limo made it about 30 yards, to the end of the driveway, and then just died. Alright, new limo, and attempt 2. This time we actually made it. Hooray! Let's kill some time before the show.

Ok, so it turns out that Mom had never been to a casino before. Maybe it wasn't the best idea to have her first experience be at the largest casino in the country. She looked like a country bumpkin, and I mean that in the nicest way possible. I think she managed to survive mostly unscathed, only losing a couple bucks in the penny slots. How did I do? Hold on to that thought.

We decided to grab a snack before the show, so we went to the mini food court and ordered a couple slices of pizza. Since Foxwoods is the largest casino in the country, I am going to hand out some other awards for extremes. This pizza wins the "Greasiest Pizza Ever" award. It soaked right through the plate, and it was a plastic plate!! That may be an exaggeration, but only slightly. I actually feel a little sick just thinking about it.

After that, it was time for the show. It was really good, and it was packed. There were a couple funny people there. First was the super-excited lady in front of us who chair-danced for practically the entire show. Second is the girl was up in the front row who clearly loves attention because she kept dancing her way up to the stage and being gently escorted back to her seat. Finally, Mr No-Smile, who looked like that particular concert was the last place he wanted to be. I have never seen someone more miserable at their current location, and I teach math!!

After the show, we walked over to the actual Foxwoods building and played some games. I wasn't really planning on gambling, but the flashy lights on the slot machines drew me in. I played some game about smelly food called "Stinkin' Rich" or "Filthy Rich" or something along those lines because it's Kathryn's favorite. I didn't do very well. Stupid game. At that point I thought I was done, but I found a penny slot game called "Helen of Troy" and decided to give it one more go. After a few minutes, I got bored and moved to the next machine, which was "Golden Goose." You got bonuses for geese showing up or for getting gold eggs. This game was short-lived because every time a goose showed up, the game made an annoying honking sound. That can only go on for so long before I get fed up. Move another chair over. This game was called "Pompeii" and sucked donkey balls. I think I played for 3 minutes.

Alright, last chance Foxwoods. I'll give "Golden Gong" a try, because it almost sounds dirty. First spin, I get a couple gongs on the screen which are apparently good. The machine starts making crazy gong sounds, and I win like $4. That's actually a lot if you consider that it was a penny machine. Also, the second award of the night goes to this machine for "Loudest Slot Machine." Everything it did attracted attention from the people around me! I played for a while, got some more gongs, got some old Chinese guys on the screen which apparently double your prizes, you know how it goes. After a while, I start getting bored again and tell the game that I'm leaving if I don't start getting more gongs. Within 5 spins, I get a spin with 5 gongs. Bam, $200. I like it. I also get bonus spins for having multiple gongs and win another $70 or so. All in all, I walked in with $41 and walked out with $292.69. Hooray!!

I was definitely done at that point, as was everyone else, so we went back to our hotel. The final award of the night goes to our hotel for "Scariest Toilet." Every single time I flushed it, it was so loud that I thought I had broken something or possibly opened up a doorway to another dimension. That's just unnecessary.

It was a good day.

-Jon